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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Mamet To Direct 'Anne Frank'

Pulitzer Prize–winning playwright David Mamet is writing and directing a new film version of The Diary Of Anne Frank. Here are some highlights from his adaptation:

  • When confronted for stealing food, Joe Mantegna's Putti Van Daan claims not to "give two goddamn fucks in a pig's ass"
  • Fantastic scene in which Anne Frank denies her dad coffee and tells her family that only those with brass balls can survive the Nazis
  • Anne's diary is the only place she is able to finish a sentence
  • The lead is recast as Angelo, a 54-year-old longshoreman for whom the attic is a metaphor for sexual repression
  • Rebecca Pidgeon is shoehorned into the plot, ruining movie at last minute
  • As the Nazis approach, Anne orders the crying baby to "can it"
  • The bookcase that covers the entrance to the secret annex is played by Alec Baldwin
  • Anne's death is ultimately less about "Nazis" and more about "the American dream"
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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