adBlockCheck

Recent News

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Mammograms

With the highly publicized return of Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer, American women are being encouraged to take the precautions necessary to detect the disease early, including yearly mammograms. Here are a few tips that should make getting your mammogram easier:

After one breast is checked, the exam is not finished; the other breast should be checked as well

Avoid HMOs that only allow checkups above the nipple

Check to see if doctor is wearing his Mammogrammers Guild amulet

Verify that your clinic's high-end digital technology has something to do with computers

Though it may be tempting, avoid the cheaper "MammoVan"

If radiologist is not responding to your questions, do not panic; he has probably just never seen such an enormous tumor before

To promote early detection, get a mammogram every year starting at age 3

Put your tits on the glass

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings