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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

  • His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable
  • Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards
  • Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well
  • Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel's unappealing in any amount less than a fifth
  • Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature
  • Enough musical ability to get very lucky
  • Increased probability of creating, developing, and headlining Ozzfest
  • Sharon Marker: Predisposed to shuffle about shouting "Sharon!" The fact that subject is married to a person of this name is a statistically improbable coincidence

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