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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

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‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

  • His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable
  • Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards
  • Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well
  • Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel's unappealing in any amount less than a fifth
  • Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature
  • Enough musical ability to get very lucky
  • Increased probability of creating, developing, and headlining Ozzfest
  • Sharon Marker: Predisposed to shuffle about shouting "Sharon!" The fact that subject is married to a person of this name is a statistically improbable coincidence

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