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Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

  • His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable
  • Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards
  • Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well
  • Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel's unappealing in any amount less than a fifth
  • Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature
  • Enough musical ability to get very lucky
  • Increased probability of creating, developing, and headlining Ozzfest
  • Sharon Marker: Predisposed to shuffle about shouting "Sharon!" The fact that subject is married to a person of this name is a statistically improbable coincidence

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