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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Mapping The Ozzy Genome

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

  • His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable
  • Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards
  • Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well
  • Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel's unappealing in any amount less than a fifth
  • Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature
  • Enough musical ability to get very lucky
  • Increased probability of creating, developing, and headlining Ozzfest
  • Sharon Marker: Predisposed to shuffle about shouting "Sharon!" The fact that subject is married to a person of this name is a statistically improbable coincidence

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