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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Mars Rover's Discoveries

After completing a difficult landing on the Martian surface last week, NASA’s car-sized rover Curiosity has begun deploying its highly advanced cameras and instruments, which will provide the most thorough data on the Red Planet yet. Here are several of its early discoveries:

  • A few inches below the layer of dirt on the surface lies another, slightly thicker, layer of dirt
  • Internet connection really slow
  • Everything’s still pretty much the same as the last few times we landed rovers on Mars
  • Vibe on planet really weird and off-putting
  • Planet’s 24-hour-40-minute day provides perfect amount of extra time for light afternoon nap and crossword
  • Previous Mars robots have formed a tribe
  • After journey of hundreds of millions of miles and painstaking analysis of rocks and soil, found that the very best planet was at home all along
  • It’s going to die out here alone on this cold red rock, isn’t it?

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