Mars Rover's Discoveries

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Vol 48 Issue 33

Breaking Bad

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Walt ups the ante when he discovers he can make much more money through careful observation of financial trends and prudent investment in the stock market.

Torrent Time

G4 4:00 a.m. EDT/3:00 a.m. CDT This virtual showcase presents a selection of the web's most popular illegal downloads. This week: a Croatian dub of the The Dark Knight Rises and some pornography.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Mars Rover's Discoveries

After completing a difficult landing on the Martian surface last week, NASA’s car-sized rover Curiosity has begun deploying its highly advanced cameras and instruments, which will provide the most thorough data on the Red Planet yet. Here are several of its early discoveries:

  • A few inches below the layer of dirt on the surface lies another, slightly thicker, layer of dirt
  • Internet connection really slow
  • Everything’s still pretty much the same as the last few times we landed rovers on Mars
  • Vibe on planet really weird and off-putting
  • Planet’s 24-hour-40-minute day provides perfect amount of extra time for light afternoon nap and crossword
  • Previous Mars robots have formed a tribe
  • After journey of hundreds of millions of miles and painstaking analysis of rocks and soil, found that the very best planet was at home all along
  • It’s going to die out here alone on this cold red rock, isn’t it?
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