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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Mars Rover's Discoveries

After completing a difficult landing on the Martian surface last week, NASA’s car-sized rover Curiosity has begun deploying its highly advanced cameras and instruments, which will provide the most thorough data on the Red Planet yet. Here are several of its early discoveries:

  • A few inches below the layer of dirt on the surface lies another, slightly thicker, layer of dirt
  • Internet connection really slow
  • Everything’s still pretty much the same as the last few times we landed rovers on Mars
  • Vibe on planet really weird and off-putting
  • Planet’s 24-hour-40-minute day provides perfect amount of extra time for light afternoon nap and crossword
  • Previous Mars robots have formed a tribe
  • After journey of hundreds of millions of miles and painstaking analysis of rocks and soil, found that the very best planet was at home all along
  • It’s going to die out here alone on this cold red rock, isn’t it?
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