PENSACOLA, FL—Lance Kiser, the host at the Erewan Thai restaurant, informed fellow employees Monday that the bloated, choking man at table four may contain trace amounts of peanuts. "Warning: The dark-haired businessman who very suddenly began experiencing shortness of breath, confusion, and slurred speech may contain trace amounts of peanuts," Kiser said. "He definitely ate a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts and/or other nuts." The purple-faced, swelling man declined comment.
CHANDLER, AZ—Phoenix-area resident Bruce Meske, 34, said he can't believe the amazing number of riveting, drive-time radio options available for his 40-minute commute home every night. "At no other time of the day is my life so jam-packed with incredible entertainment choices," Meske said Monday. "I could listen to the '60s at 6:00 or tune into the week's Top Five with Fathead on The Zone! Should I get the lead out with Beebo and Frank, stay informed with Ted and Heidi, or get riled by Mike Savage?! Sometimes I wish my commute took two hours!" Meske added that his wealth of options for the morning drive floor him as well.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Dale Seebach, 32, who has dreamed of opening his own liquor store since childhood, saw his dream become a reality Monday. "I never thought I would own a liquor store," said Seebach to his two part-time employees at the grand opening of Dale's Spirits on Front Street. "It was a lot of hard work applying for the loan, getting a lease, and working out the distribution, but I did it!" If the store does well, Seebach may someday realize his other dream of enclosing his backyard deck for winter use.
NEW YORK—Due to the falling out between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, producers of Fox's The Simple Life are continuing their search for the perfect spoiled, no-talent socialite cunt to step in for Richie. "It shouldn't be too hard to find another vapid, muddied cum-dumpster perpetually drunk on the jizz of trust-fund himbos," producer Jonathan Murray said. "Any million-dollar Bambi with a vast inheritance and no ambition will do, though gutter-sluts with coke-fueled pasts will be given special consideration." Murray added that "it doesn't matter if her pussy rattles when the wind blows—we can fix that in post."
Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to reinvigorate the company. What are some of the measures it's taking?
SECAUCUS, NJ—Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American nuclear-power applications, was rejected by MSNBC producers for being "too boring for TV" Monday.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
CHICAGO—With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat.
UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.