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McCain's Running Mate

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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McCain's Running Mate

All but assured the Republican presidential nomination, John McCain has begun discussing possible running mates. Who is on his short list?

Condoleezza Rice: Petulant-terrier look always plays well at foreign state funerals.

Tom Hanks: Just such a huge, huge fan.

(No nomination): As nobody has done nothing for McCain, McCain likewise intends to do nothing for nobody.

Hip, young blogger: To attract hip, young blogger voters.

Mitt Romney: McCain hates him with the burning hatred of a thousand exploding suns, which is always a good aspect of any president/VP relationship.

McCain's grandson: Doesn't really think he's qualified, but would you look at that face? How can you say no to that face?

Hillary Clinton: Just because it would be amazing to see the look on everyone's faces when they say "No way!" followed by "Well, it kind of makes sense."

Mike Huckabee: Bass player needed.

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