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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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McDonald's Makeover

More than 30 years after its last redesign, McDonald's is again undergoing a major facelift. What will the new design features be?

A lounging section with couches and armchairs, created solely to give McDonald's employees the extra-humiliating task of extracting pickle slices wedged under the cushions

Nude marble Ronald McDonald sculptures

PlayPlace jungle gyms and ball pits will be replaced with more urbane kid-sized yoga mats and mini squash courts

Condiment stations broadened to accommodate diaper-changing

Hamburglar now played with simmering intensity by veteran actor Robert Duvall

Talking toilets will tell customers how many calories they just expelled

Extra Dr Pepper dispenser in each soda fountain

Tables feature the "Again Button," which customers can hit if they want employees to bring them the same meal again

Slogan "I'm Lovin' It" to be changed to "I'm Loving It"

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