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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Measles Epidemic 2015: A Timeline Of The Outbreak

Health officials recently announced that an outbreak of measles they believe originated in Disneyland last December has now spread to multiple states, and experts have linked the epidemic to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents. Here is a timeline of the recent outbreak in California:

  • February 28, 1998: British physician Andrew Wakefield publishes the first in a long line of 0 scientific studies that link vaccines to autism
  • June 9, 2004: Mother of three Karen Myers tells new mom Ashley Wheeler about a “great new parenting blog”
  • April 5, 2011: Group of negligent parents decide to start calling themselves “anti-vaxxers”
  • September 7, 2011-2014: Anti-vaccination movement spreads to thousands of other parents through direct online contact
  • December 1, 2014: Herd immunity still holding up
  • December 15, 2014: Measles outbreak in Southern California reduces San Diego classroom to manageable size
  • January 10, 2015: Infected Beckwith family pushes through the pain for a second day at Disneyland because they spent 900 goddamn dollars for five two-day passes
  • January 11, 2015: CDC epidemiologists conduct victim surveys in some very weird California homes
  • January 18, 2015: Ben’s mom gives Jessa’s mom withering glance in preschool parking lot
  • January 26, 2015: CDC angrily changes answer to “Has measles been eliminated in the United States?” on FAQ page of website
  • January 27, 2015: Unvaccinated 9-year-old Hunter Warren still fine, so who’s to say who’s right?
  • August 12, 2020: 2015 outbreak starting to look really quaint
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