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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Measles Epidemic 2015: A Timeline Of The Outbreak

Health officials recently announced that an outbreak of measles they believe originated in Disneyland last December has now spread to multiple states, and experts have linked the epidemic to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents. Here is a timeline of the recent outbreak in California:

  • February 28, 1998: British physician Andrew Wakefield publishes the first in a long line of 0 scientific studies that link vaccines to autism
  • June 9, 2004: Mother of three Karen Myers tells new mom Ashley Wheeler about a “great new parenting blog”
  • April 5, 2011: Group of negligent parents decide to start calling themselves “anti-vaxxers”
  • September 7, 2011-2014: Anti-vaccination movement spreads to thousands of other parents through direct online contact
  • December 1, 2014: Herd immunity still holding up
  • December 15, 2014: Measles outbreak in Southern California reduces San Diego classroom to manageable size
  • January 10, 2015: Infected Beckwith family pushes through the pain for a second day at Disneyland because they spent 900 goddamn dollars for five two-day passes
  • January 11, 2015: CDC epidemiologists conduct victim surveys in some very weird California homes
  • January 18, 2015: Ben’s mom gives Jessa’s mom withering glance in preschool parking lot
  • January 26, 2015: CDC angrily changes answer to “Has measles been eliminated in the United States?” on FAQ page of website
  • January 27, 2015: Unvaccinated 9-year-old Hunter Warren still fine, so who’s to say who’s right?
  • August 12, 2020: 2015 outbreak starting to look really quaint

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