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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth

Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about African child soldiers called Kony 2012 have fallen under fire for failing to provide wholly factual accounts of their subjects. Here are some other media projects that have not withstood scrutiny:

  • Stop Gun Violence: Actually makes guns look pretty cool
  • Operation Hunger: Footage of starving Ethiopian children actually footage of starving Somali children
  • YouTube documentary Obama Is A Reptilian! Proof!: Obama is not a reptilian, he is merely being controlled by his reptilian overlord, Education Secretary Arne Duncan
  • Planet Earth: Planet doesn't always speak in voice of David Attenborough {Sig}
  • Heinz ketchup commercial: Ketchup doesn’t actually flow from bottle onto hot dog in thick, uniform ribbons of ruby delight
  • Frontline: Inside Japan's Nuclear Meltdown: Incorporated extensive footage fromGodzilla, King Of The Monsters!
  • 60 Minutes: Andy Rooney never made sandwiches for everybody at CBS
  • The Cove: Misled viewers into assumption that dolphins were not succulent, rich, and intoxicatingly delicious
  • The New York Times: Mar. 10 column 'Manlashes, Manscara And Mantyhose' by Maureen Dowd—just a shitty, annoying waste of everyone's time

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