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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth

Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about African child soldiers called Kony 2012 have fallen under fire for failing to provide wholly factual accounts of their subjects. Here are some other media projects that have not withstood scrutiny:

  • Stop Gun Violence: Actually makes guns look pretty cool
  • Operation Hunger: Footage of starving Ethiopian children actually footage of starving Somali children
  • YouTube documentary Obama Is A Reptilian! Proof!: Obama is not a reptilian, he is merely being controlled by his reptilian overlord, Education Secretary Arne Duncan
  • Planet Earth: Planet doesn't always speak in voice of David Attenborough {Sig}
  • Heinz ketchup commercial: Ketchup doesn’t actually flow from bottle onto hot dog in thick, uniform ribbons of ruby delight
  • Frontline: Inside Japan's Nuclear Meltdown: Incorporated extensive footage fromGodzilla, King Of The Monsters!
  • 60 Minutes: Andy Rooney never made sandwiches for everybody at CBS
  • The Cove: Misled viewers into assumption that dolphins were not succulent, rich, and intoxicatingly delicious
  • The New York Times: Mar. 10 column 'Manlashes, Manscara And Mantyhose' by Maureen Dowd—just a shitty, annoying waste of everyone's time

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