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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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MGM Files For Bankruptcy

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc., the company that owns the Rocky and James Bond franchises, the American International Pictures and United Artists libraries, and the MGM Casino, filed for bankruptcy in a New York court last week. Here are some of the reasons the entertainment giant went so far into debt:

  • 1924–1936: Metro, too much cocaine; Goldwyn, too many pills; Mayer, too many commemorative plates
  • 1968: While filming 2001: A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick demands the monolith be repainted 28 times before he finds the right color
  • 1976: MGM Grand actually has the loosest slots in town for six months
  • 1978: Huge fucking shitstorm and the bastard lawyers take 20 percent
  • 1984: Start buying a new lion for the logo every year instead of every other year
  • 1987: Majority of Spaceballs is actually filmed in deep space
  • 1993: Fans of Benny & Joon's use of porkpie hats stumble upon Buster Keaton, begin watching Columbia Pictures films instead
  • 2000: Everyone's already seen Wizard Of Oz
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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