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MGM Files For Bankruptcy

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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MGM Files For Bankruptcy

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc., the company that owns the Rocky and James Bond franchises, the American International Pictures and United Artists libraries, and the MGM Casino, filed for bankruptcy in a New York court last week. Here are some of the reasons the entertainment giant went so far into debt:

  • 1924–1936: Metro, too much cocaine; Goldwyn, too many pills; Mayer, too many commemorative plates
  • 1968: While filming 2001: A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick demands the monolith be repainted 28 times before he finds the right color
  • 1976: MGM Grand actually has the loosest slots in town for six months
  • 1978: Huge fucking shitstorm and the bastard lawyers take 20 percent
  • 1984: Start buying a new lion for the logo every year instead of every other year
  • 1987: Majority of Spaceballs is actually filmed in deep space
  • 1993: Fans of Benny & Joon's use of porkpie hats stumble upon Buster Keaton, begin watching Columbia Pictures films instead
  • 2000: Everyone's already seen Wizard Of Oz

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