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Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Miami's Alleged Violations

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened:

  • Players forgot to give the NCAA a cut
  • While players waited for prostitutes to arrive, boosters would often get naked and tell players to go ahead and do whatever they wanted to tide them over
  • Hurricanes gave world Ray Lewis
  • All deals had to take place under the table, as Miami student-athletes don't understand how tables work
  • Free ketchup packets with every meal
  • After just a year or two, some players received the benefit of leaving Miami forever
  • Those keychains with the button that you push and they light up: They got those
  • Top-flight athletes were illegally paid for their on-field performances in nationally televised sporting events that legally made the school hundreds of millions of dollars

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