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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Michael Vick's Redemption

Since returning to the league, Michael Vick has been heralded as a changed man. We take a look at how Vick has won people over during his second act.

  • Taking the field to "My Heart Will Go On" every game definitely helped
  • Rather than treat them inhumanely, he now works to improve the lives of Eagles fans
  • Refuses to hang out with friends from his old neighborhood if he knows they're going to shoot or kill something that night
  • Doesn't pull the ball down and try to run with it as much as he used to back when he killed dogs
  • Single-handedly responsible for eradicating the Baja Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out" from at least two NFL stadiums
  • Displayed genuine humility and heartfelt remorse after losing to the Bears
  • Donated a bunch of money to some needy cause or charity or whatever
  • Now only watches dogfights instead of actively hosting them and betting on them

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