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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle:

  • May 7, Scottsbluff, NE—The topsoil near Willie's house was slightly contaminated when he kicked over his beer
  • May 15, Boise, ID—Danny Nelson used 5 gallons of gas to clean an oil spot off a section of his new concrete driveway when his cousin Gilly parked a piece of shit camper on it for two days
  • June 12, Hollywood, AL—The explosion of a cotton-candy factory transformed the town and its surrounding area into a massive crystalline ant colony
  • June 8, London—The capital of England entered its 1,968th year without any sort of sewage system whatsoever
  • June 9, Minneapolis—An estimated 115,000 "Vote Franken" and 252,000 "Vote Coleman" fliers continued to blow around the city unchecked
  • July 7, Montreal—Though it delights many onlookers because of its novelty, a mayonnaise spill kills over 12,000 people and destroys 4,500 homes
  • July 23, Lebanon, PA—A citywide rummage sale released a cloud of musty gas reeking of old paperbacks and couch pillows, causing irritation to the eyes, nose, and throat
  • July 31, Lake Tahoe, NV—A truck carrying 200 tons of highly radioactive nuclear waste lost its brakes, racing down a mountain and sinking into the mile-deep lake, answering a small part of the question of where to store America's nuclear waste

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