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Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
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Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle:

  • May 7, Scottsbluff, NE—The topsoil near Willie's house was slightly contaminated when he kicked over his beer
  • May 15, Boise, ID—Danny Nelson used 5 gallons of gas to clean an oil spot off a section of his new concrete driveway when his cousin Gilly parked a piece of shit camper on it for two days
  • June 12, Hollywood, AL—The explosion of a cotton-candy factory transformed the town and its surrounding area into a massive crystalline ant colony
  • June 8, London—The capital of England entered its 1,968th year without any sort of sewage system whatsoever
  • June 9, Minneapolis—An estimated 115,000 "Vote Franken" and 252,000 "Vote Coleman" fliers continued to blow around the city unchecked
  • July 7, Montreal—Though it delights many onlookers because of its novelty, a mayonnaise spill kills over 12,000 people and destroys 4,500 homes
  • July 23, Lebanon, PA—A citywide rummage sale released a cloud of musty gas reeking of old paperbacks and couch pillows, causing irritation to the eyes, nose, and throat
  • July 31, Lake Tahoe, NV—A truck carrying 200 tons of highly radioactive nuclear waste lost its brakes, racing down a mountain and sinking into the mile-deep lake, answering a small part of the question of where to store America's nuclear waste

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