Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle:

  • May 7, Scottsbluff, NE—The topsoil near Willie's house was slightly contaminated when he kicked over his beer
  • May 15, Boise, ID—Danny Nelson used 5 gallons of gas to clean an oil spot off a section of his new concrete driveway when his cousin Gilly parked a piece of shit camper on it for two days
  • June 12, Hollywood, AL—The explosion of a cotton-candy factory transformed the town and its surrounding area into a massive crystalline ant colony
  • June 8, London—The capital of England entered its 1,968th year without any sort of sewage system whatsoever
  • June 9, Minneapolis—An estimated 115,000 "Vote Franken" and 252,000 "Vote Coleman" fliers continued to blow around the city unchecked
  • July 7, Montreal—Though it delights many onlookers because of its novelty, a mayonnaise spill kills over 12,000 people and destroys 4,500 homes
  • July 23, Lebanon, PA—A citywide rummage sale released a cloud of musty gas reeking of old paperbacks and couch pillows, causing irritation to the eyes, nose, and throat
  • July 31, Lake Tahoe, NV—A truck carrying 200 tons of highly radioactive nuclear waste lost its brakes, racing down a mountain and sinking into the mile-deep lake, answering a small part of the question of where to store America's nuclear waste


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close