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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill

BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle:

  • May 7, Scottsbluff, NE—The topsoil near Willie's house was slightly contaminated when he kicked over his beer
  • May 15, Boise, ID—Danny Nelson used 5 gallons of gas to clean an oil spot off a section of his new concrete driveway when his cousin Gilly parked a piece of shit camper on it for two days
  • June 12, Hollywood, AL—The explosion of a cotton-candy factory transformed the town and its surrounding area into a massive crystalline ant colony
  • June 8, London—The capital of England entered its 1,968th year without any sort of sewage system whatsoever
  • June 9, Minneapolis—An estimated 115,000 "Vote Franken" and 252,000 "Vote Coleman" fliers continued to blow around the city unchecked
  • July 7, Montreal—Though it delights many onlookers because of its novelty, a mayonnaise spill kills over 12,000 people and destroys 4,500 homes
  • July 23, Lebanon, PA—A citywide rummage sale released a cloud of musty gas reeking of old paperbacks and couch pillows, causing irritation to the eyes, nose, and throat
  • July 31, Lake Tahoe, NV—A truck carrying 200 tons of highly radioactive nuclear waste lost its brakes, racing down a mountain and sinking into the mile-deep lake, answering a small part of the question of where to store America's nuclear waste
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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