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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Midnight Madness

As the 2007 NCAA basketball season gets underway, Onion Sports reports on the midnight festivities on campuses across the nation:

UConn: Coach Jim Calhoun gets this great idea to do, like, a New Year's Eve type thing, where the ball drops when the clock strikes midnight, except the ball would be a giant basketball, and it would light up, and the clock would be on the scoreboard, and it would be so awesome, but instead he chickens out and just holds a regular practice

BYU: Enthusiastic Cougars fans pack the Marriott Center to celebrate the beginning of a new NCAA basketball season by getting sent home at midnight to abide by the university's strict curfew

North Carolina: Has gotten pretty tame except that the rims are doused with gasoline and then lit on fire

Holy Cross: A mascot dresses in outlandish robes and jewelry then fires up the crowd by saying crazy stuff about forgiveness and a guy who died for their sins

UCLA: Three freshmen stoners take a few snacks and leave after they realize it was not a showing of the 1980 cult movie Midnight Madness but rather "some basketball thing"

Ohio State: Although it is not a scheduled part of the festivities, the crowd certainly enjoys watching a group of drunk guys kick the crap out of Brutus Buckeye

Kentucky: Try though they might, the entire student body is unable to stay awake until midnight and soundly sleeps until morning in Rupp Arena

Indiana: Head coach Kelvin Sampson gets back to fundamentals by having his players practice basic NCAA rules violations

Georgia: With the majority of its players suspended for poor classroom attendance, disobeying team rules, armed robbery, attempted rape, and arson, thousands of students gather to watch ball boy Terence Payson shoot left-handed lay ups for two hours

Gonzaga: The mood is awkward when former Zags star Adam Morrison shows up to Gonzaga's Midnight Madness celebration, hangs around the court and locker room the entire night, and then asks where all the parties are

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