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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Midnight Madness

As the 2007 NCAA basketball season gets underway, Onion Sports reports on the midnight festivities on campuses across the nation:

UConn: Coach Jim Calhoun gets this great idea to do, like, a New Year's Eve type thing, where the ball drops when the clock strikes midnight, except the ball would be a giant basketball, and it would light up, and the clock would be on the scoreboard, and it would be so awesome, but instead he chickens out and just holds a regular practice

BYU: Enthusiastic Cougars fans pack the Marriott Center to celebrate the beginning of a new NCAA basketball season by getting sent home at midnight to abide by the university's strict curfew

North Carolina: Has gotten pretty tame except that the rims are doused with gasoline and then lit on fire

Holy Cross: A mascot dresses in outlandish robes and jewelry then fires up the crowd by saying crazy stuff about forgiveness and a guy who died for their sins

UCLA: Three freshmen stoners take a few snacks and leave after they realize it was not a showing of the 1980 cult movie Midnight Madness but rather "some basketball thing"

Ohio State: Although it is not a scheduled part of the festivities, the crowd certainly enjoys watching a group of drunk guys kick the crap out of Brutus Buckeye

Kentucky: Try though they might, the entire student body is unable to stay awake until midnight and soundly sleeps until morning in Rupp Arena

Indiana: Head coach Kelvin Sampson gets back to fundamentals by having his players practice basic NCAA rules violations

Georgia: With the majority of its players suspended for poor classroom attendance, disobeying team rules, armed robbery, attempted rape, and arson, thousands of students gather to watch ball boy Terence Payson shoot left-handed lay ups for two hours

Gonzaga: The mood is awkward when former Zags star Adam Morrison shows up to Gonzaga's Midnight Madness celebration, hangs around the court and locker room the entire night, and then asks where all the parties are

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