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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Midnight Madness

As the 2007 NCAA basketball season gets underway, Onion Sports reports on the midnight festivities on campuses across the nation:

UConn: Coach Jim Calhoun gets this great idea to do, like, a New Year's Eve type thing, where the ball drops when the clock strikes midnight, except the ball would be a giant basketball, and it would light up, and the clock would be on the scoreboard, and it would be so awesome, but instead he chickens out and just holds a regular practice

BYU: Enthusiastic Cougars fans pack the Marriott Center to celebrate the beginning of a new NCAA basketball season by getting sent home at midnight to abide by the university's strict curfew

North Carolina: Has gotten pretty tame except that the rims are doused with gasoline and then lit on fire

Holy Cross: A mascot dresses in outlandish robes and jewelry then fires up the crowd by saying crazy stuff about forgiveness and a guy who died for their sins

UCLA: Three freshmen stoners take a few snacks and leave after they realize it was not a showing of the 1980 cult movie Midnight Madness but rather "some basketball thing"

Ohio State: Although it is not a scheduled part of the festivities, the crowd certainly enjoys watching a group of drunk guys kick the crap out of Brutus Buckeye

Kentucky: Try though they might, the entire student body is unable to stay awake until midnight and soundly sleeps until morning in Rupp Arena

Indiana: Head coach Kelvin Sampson gets back to fundamentals by having his players practice basic NCAA rules violations

Georgia: With the majority of its players suspended for poor classroom attendance, disobeying team rules, armed robbery, attempted rape, and arson, thousands of students gather to watch ball boy Terence Payson shoot left-handed lay ups for two hours

Gonzaga: The mood is awkward when former Zags star Adam Morrison shows up to Gonzaga's Midnight Madness celebration, hangs around the court and locker room the entire night, and then asks where all the parties are

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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