adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mike Tyson's One-Man Broadway Show

Spike Lee will direct Mike Tyson as the retired boxer brings his life story to Broadway with a one-man show. Here’s what theatergoers can expect:

  • To add an element of verisimilitude to the play, Tyson has promised to spend every penny he makes from each show recklessly and immediately, so that he can start the next performance completely and utterly bankrupt
  • Just before the curtain rises, there will be a long, quiet period of introspection during which audience members consider their role in enabling a mentally ill convicted rapist
  • First minute will feature Tyson looking uncomfortable in a tuxedo, making price of admission immediately worth it
  • Discussion of Tyson’s childhood in Brooklyn, where everything was pretty good and he had no complaints
  • Elaborate flying sequence, if they can get the damn harnesses to work
  • Kids from the audience will be called on stage so Tyson can draw poor versions of his facial tattoo on their faces with a black Sharpie
  • To illustrate the emptiness Tyson felt inside after losing his world title, there will be nobody left in the crowd at intermission
  • Tyson will not make a fist until the very last moments of the show, when he will weep, slowly punch his own face, and fall to the ground as the lights dim and a distant ring bell is heard

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close