adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mike Tyson's One-Man Broadway Show

Spike Lee will direct Mike Tyson as the retired boxer brings his life story to Broadway with a one-man show. Here’s what theatergoers can expect:

  • To add an element of verisimilitude to the play, Tyson has promised to spend every penny he makes from each show recklessly and immediately, so that he can start the next performance completely and utterly bankrupt
  • Just before the curtain rises, there will be a long, quiet period of introspection during which audience members consider their role in enabling a mentally ill convicted rapist
  • First minute will feature Tyson looking uncomfortable in a tuxedo, making price of admission immediately worth it
  • Discussion of Tyson’s childhood in Brooklyn, where everything was pretty good and he had no complaints
  • Elaborate flying sequence, if they can get the damn harnesses to work
  • Kids from the audience will be called on stage so Tyson can draw poor versions of his facial tattoo on their faces with a black Sharpie
  • To illustrate the emptiness Tyson felt inside after losing his world title, there will be nobody left in the crowd at intermission
  • Tyson will not make a fist until the very last moments of the show, when he will weep, slowly punch his own face, and fall to the ground as the lights dim and a distant ring bell is heard

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close