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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Miley Cyrus' Public Private Life

The first kiss between singer Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend, actor Liam Hemsworth, was captured during the shooting of their movie The Last Song. Here are some other milestones from Miley Cyrus' life that have been caught on tape:

  • Leaving the scene of her first car accident at 15
  • 13th-birthday bikini wax
  • When she got hit with the flu and had it coming out both ends
  • World-weary sigh no one that age should be able to make
  • Receiving her first hair doll sent by an obsessed 45-year-old fan
  • Losing hymen during particularly vigorous horseback ride
  • First time being felt up by a sweaty man claiming to be from wardrobe
  • Quiet look of panic as joint is passed around, sudden excusing of self to go to bathroom, huge sigh of relief with head resting against closed bathroom door
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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