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Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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MLB Playoff Predictions

With the 2009 regular season out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for during the postseason.

  • Phillies: If everyone just does their part and hits one home run per game, they should be fine
  • Yankees: With the best starting pitchers, best bull pen, best lineup, and best regular-season record, the Yankees will be extra disappointed when losing in the first round on some bloop to right field
  • Rockies: Technically allowed to win World Series
  • Red Sox: With most of the team struggling to hit home runs, everyone on the roster will spend home games openly complaining about Fenway's Green Monster being too high
  • Angels: Fantastic defense will at least allow them to keep the games close when they lose the ALDS
  • Cardinals: If Matt Holliday plays like the Matt Holliday from the 2009 Cardinals, this team could go deep into the playoffs
  • Twins: Having played in one more game than the other playoff contenders gives this team too much experience
  • Dodgers: Would rather not make a prediction since it could be wrong

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