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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Playoff Predictions

With the 2009 regular season out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for during the postseason.

  • Phillies: If everyone just does their part and hits one home run per game, they should be fine
  • Yankees: With the best starting pitchers, best bull pen, best lineup, and best regular-season record, the Yankees will be extra disappointed when losing in the first round on some bloop to right field
  • Rockies: Technically allowed to win World Series
  • Red Sox: With most of the team struggling to hit home runs, everyone on the roster will spend home games openly complaining about Fenway's Green Monster being too high
  • Angels: Fantastic defense will at least allow them to keep the games close when they lose the ALDS
  • Cardinals: If Matt Holliday plays like the Matt Holliday from the 2009 Cardinals, this team could go deep into the playoffs
  • Twins: Having played in one more game than the other playoff contenders gives this team too much experience
  • Dodgers: Would rather not make a prediction since it could be wrong

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