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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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MLB World Series Contenders

With baseball's postseason underway, Onion Sports takes its annual look at the playoff teams and their chances to take home the 2007 World Series title:

Chicago Cubs: Have it in the bag, unless someone jinxes them by saying something like "the Cubs have it in the bag"

Philadelphia Phillies: Have a pretty decent shot at winning the World Series if they win three games, followed by four games, and then win four more games after that

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: With quality pitching, hitting, and defense, the Angels have all the tools necessary to go all the way; however, they won't

Boston Red Sox: Curt Schilling  remains the team's only question mark, aside from the overall health of Manny Ramirez and whether or not David Ortiz's problematic knee will hold up throughout the playoffs; also, Daisuke Matsuzaka performing under the incredible pressure of October baseball is also a concern

Cleveland Indians: Seeing  as how an Indians-Diamondbacks World Series would be the most awful, boring thing in the world, Murphy's Law says the Indians are pretty much a shoo-in to go all the way

Colorado Rockies: Should just be happy to even be on this list

Arizona Diamondbacks: Nope

New York Yankees: Although it has not worked for the past six years, the Yankees' strategy to win the World Series will continue to consist of just showing up

New York Mets: Oh, man...Damn it! Come on, what do they—Jesus! Are you kidding me? Seriously, is this some kind of joke?

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