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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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MLB World Series Contenders

With baseball's postseason underway, Onion Sports takes its annual look at the playoff teams and their chances to take home the 2007 World Series title:

Chicago Cubs: Have it in the bag, unless someone jinxes them by saying something like "the Cubs have it in the bag"

Philadelphia Phillies: Have a pretty decent shot at winning the World Series if they win three games, followed by four games, and then win four more games after that

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: With quality pitching, hitting, and defense, the Angels have all the tools necessary to go all the way; however, they won't

Boston Red Sox: Curt Schilling  remains the team's only question mark, aside from the overall health of Manny Ramirez and whether or not David Ortiz's problematic knee will hold up throughout the playoffs; also, Daisuke Matsuzaka performing under the incredible pressure of October baseball is also a concern

Cleveland Indians: Seeing  as how an Indians-Diamondbacks World Series would be the most awful, boring thing in the world, Murphy's Law says the Indians are pretty much a shoo-in to go all the way

Colorado Rockies: Should just be happy to even be on this list

Arizona Diamondbacks: Nope

New York Yankees: Although it has not worked for the past six years, the Yankees' strategy to win the World Series will continue to consist of just showing up

New York Mets: Oh, man...Damn it! Come on, what do they—Jesus! Are you kidding me? Seriously, is this some kind of joke?

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