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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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MLB World Series Contenders

With baseball's postseason underway, Onion Sports takes its annual look at the playoff teams and their chances to take home the 2007 World Series title:

Chicago Cubs: Have it in the bag, unless someone jinxes them by saying something like "the Cubs have it in the bag"

Philadelphia Phillies: Have a pretty decent shot at winning the World Series if they win three games, followed by four games, and then win four more games after that

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: With quality pitching, hitting, and defense, the Angels have all the tools necessary to go all the way; however, they won't

Boston Red Sox: Curt Schilling  remains the team's only question mark, aside from the overall health of Manny Ramirez and whether or not David Ortiz's problematic knee will hold up throughout the playoffs; also, Daisuke Matsuzaka performing under the incredible pressure of October baseball is also a concern

Cleveland Indians: Seeing  as how an Indians-Diamondbacks World Series would be the most awful, boring thing in the world, Murphy's Law says the Indians are pretty much a shoo-in to go all the way

Colorado Rockies: Should just be happy to even be on this list

Arizona Diamondbacks: Nope

New York Yankees: Although it has not worked for the past six years, the Yankees' strategy to win the World Series will continue to consist of just showing up

New York Mets: Oh, man...Damn it! Come on, what do they—Jesus! Are you kidding me? Seriously, is this some kind of joke?

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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