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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Most Anticipated Bowl Games

With bowl season upon us, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the most exciting matchups.

  • Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Neither Baylor nor Central Florida has ever played in a legitimate BCS bowl, but both teams are hoping to do so next season
  • Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Buffalo and San Diego State square off in a game they were too embarrassed to tell their friends and family they were involved in
  • Discover Orange Bowl: The winner of this game will get to play in the prestigious Visa Orange Bowl against the winner of the MasterCard Orange Bowl
  • AdvoCare V100 Bowl: NFL running back prospects Andre Williams and Kadeem Carey face off in a completely meaningless game that has the potential to ruin their careers if they get injured
  • Allstate Sugar Bowl: Alabama plays Oklahoma in a hard-fought battle between two parts of the country we don’t need
  • AT&T Cotton Bowl: With Oklahoma State battling Missouri, everyone’s pretty excited for a matchup we have seen 45 times since 1960
  • R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Louisiana-Lafayette has won the past two New Orleans Bowls, and if they win this year, they would be the first school in history to give a shit about winning three New Orleans Bowls
  • Rose Bowl: Players from both teams are excited, since the word is there might be an NFL scout in attendance
  • BCS National Championship Game: The matchup between FSU and Auburn will ultimately come down to which team put together a stronger class of recruiting violations last year
  • The Onion Bowl: Auburn takes on Alabama in this highly anticipated season-ending rematch for the 127th annual Onion Bowl in Macau, China, the oldest and most historic bowl game in college football

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