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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns

Last week, the popular crowdfunding website Kickstarter announced the launch of its 100,000th campaign, having collectively raised a total of $631 million in its three years in operation. Here are some of the most notable projects funded through the site:

  • The Slightly Younger Justice League: This fan-financed comic imagines the members of the JLA as if they were six months younger than they appear in mainstream adventures
  • Miss Doubtfire: In this prequel, we discover that Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams) spent time earlier in his life masquerading as a young, single Euphegenia Doubtfire
  • Your Friend’s Piece-Of-Shit Documentary: Oh, God, the description uses the words “generational” and “ethno-biography.” This is going to be horrible
  • Big Table Web Series: A couple friends have some great sketches for a boardroom-based web series and they just need $10,000 for a big enough table to do it all
  • Mars Needs Moms: For a $14.99 donation, supporters will receive a DVD of the film
  • 1987 Family Reunion: The Andersons want to finally get around to digitizing the tapes and are willing to pay whatever it takes to get the time and date off the bottom right-hand portion of the screen
  • Myraxa #239: The pharmaceutical drug development project raised over $50,000 in funding from enthusiastic medication fans
  • Zach Bruff’s Film: By pure coincidence, this University of Michigan film student raised $900,000 of his $800 goal

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