LAS VEGAS—Saying his repeated efforts to collectively organize the panel were inexcusable, representatives from CNN told reporters Tuesday night that they had to scold Bernie Sanders on numerous occasions for attempting to unionize the moderators of the Democratic presidential debate.
CHICAGO—Describing the sickening sight and stench of the carcasses that have become a constant presence around the clubhouse, members of the Chicago Cubs admitted to reporters Tuesday that they have become increasingly unnerved by third baseman Kris Bryant’s repeated attempts to break the team’s so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat” by slaughtering goats.
LAS VEGAS—Saying the presidential candidate simply wouldn’t go on stage unless her requests were met, Hillary Clinton’s campaign staffers informed CNN producers Tuesday that her dressing room must be stocked with four pounds of flavorless protein paste ahead of tonight’s Democratic primary debate.
TACOMA, WA—Remarking upon the enormous caution she now takes before saying or doing anything in the presence of a loved one, local mother Sharon Powell, 64, told reporters Tuesday she knows any wrong move she makes could be interpreted by her family as a telltale sign of dementia.
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonight’s Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clinton’s aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as “obstacles to greatness.”
CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
MILFORD, CT—Intermittently gnawing at an old apple core and scratching at his unruly bramble of stubble, 22-year-old Daniel Hardin admitted to reporters Thursday that he had become completely broke and homeless 10 days after taking control of his own finances.
KNOXVILLE, TN—Admitting it was pretty disappointing to still be using a standard, single-function water fixture every morning, local 28-year-old Kelsey Bishop told reporters Wednesday that she had always thought she’d have a far more impressive showerhead by this point in her life.