Most Gruesome Sports Injuries

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Most Gruesome Sports Injuries

Onion Sports examines some of the most horrendous and appalling injuries in the history of athletics.

  • 776 BC: Sprinter Phidias eaten during race by Zeus in the form of a giant crow
  • 1985: Joe Theismann suffers a career-ending injury after New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor snaps off the quarterback’s leg and holds the bloodied limb aloft for the entire RFK Stadium crowd to behold
  • February 2001: Daytona 500 fans are horrified after the wildly popular No. 3 car violently slams into a wall at an estimated 155 mph, causing extensive damage that would prevent it from ever racing again
  • March 2001: Randy Johnson fastball strikes and kills an ostrich that had wandered onto the field
  • 2003: Vince Carter decapitates Marcus Camby with a vicious windmill dunk
  • 2006: Boxer Antonio Margarito hits boxer Miguel Cotto right in the face
  • 2007: Alex Rodriguez dives headfirst into the stands for a ball and, to onlookers’ horror, comes up without a scratch
  • 2008: Trail Blazers fans watch in horror as Greg Oden’s body completely disintegrates into a bloody mist after stepping on the court for his NBA debut
  • 2009: After being brushed by an opposing player’s leg, soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo immediately collapses to the ground and is quickly airlifted to a nearby hospital
  • 2010: Novak Djokovic gets both legs blown off from an old land mine while playing tennis in his native Serbia
  • 2013: Louisville Cardinals guard Kevin Ware stubs toe while being loaded into ambulance


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