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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Most Memorable Hall Of Fame Speeches

Last weekend, Shannon Sharpe's tribute to his brother and Deion Sanders' strange humility were two reminders of the heights that sports hall of fame speeches can reach. Some great quotes from others:

  • Barry Sanders: "I'm surprised I showed up to this too."
  • James Naismith: "Oh, wow, I'm in the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame? No fucking shit."
  • Floyd Little: “I know you all just want to hear Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith talk, so I’m going to leave right now and cry in the parking lot.”
  • Mickey Mantle: "I practiced drunk. I played drunk. You're damn right I'll give this speech drunk!"
  • O.J. Simpson: "It's an honor knowing this is how people will remember me forever: O.J. Simpson, Hall of Fame running back."
  • John Madden: "…So then comes the cheese, and it's gotta be pepper jack, you just pile that on there then bake it in the oven for maybe five minutes, just long enough for the cheese to melt, and then comes the mayo…"
  • Jerry Rice: "…98…99…100. See, 100 push-ups, no problem. And I'll do 100 more—watch me! One! Two!"

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