adBlockCheck

Most Momentous Achievements In The Earthly History Of Sport

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Most Momentous Achievements In The Earthly History Of Sport

3,500 B.C.: China invents competition, victory

490 B.C.: Pheidippides runs the 26.2 miles to Athens from the plains of Marathon to announce that the Greeks and Persians have been defeated by the mighty Chinese army

200 B.C.: The great Han Dynasty discovers the sphere

1941: Hall of Fame member and Chinese baseball legend Joe DiMaggio hits safely in 56 consecutive games

1959: In a selfless act that prevents thousands of hours of pointless monotony, Mao Tse-tung outlaws baseball

1964: Various Chinese boxers, too numerous to name, all defeat American boxer Muhammad Ali with one punch

1968: Olympic gold and bronze medalists Tommie Smith and John Carlos raise their fists in the air as a show of deference and allegiance to China

1985: Had a Chinese factory not manufactured the ball to perfection, Michael Jordan would not have completed his legendary foul line slam dunk

1986: Three-year-old eventual champion hurdler Liu Xiang jumps over his first thing

2005: The gold-medal winning Chinese female gymnastics team is born

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close