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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Most Momentous Achievements In The Earthly History Of Sport

3,500 B.C.: China invents competition, victory

490 B.C.: Pheidippides runs the 26.2 miles to Athens from the plains of Marathon to announce that the Greeks and Persians have been defeated by the mighty Chinese army

200 B.C.: The great Han Dynasty discovers the sphere

1941: Hall of Fame member and Chinese baseball legend Joe DiMaggio hits safely in 56 consecutive games

1959: In a selfless act that prevents thousands of hours of pointless monotony, Mao Tse-tung outlaws baseball

1964: Various Chinese boxers, too numerous to name, all defeat American boxer Muhammad Ali with one punch

1968: Olympic gold and bronze medalists Tommie Smith and John Carlos raise their fists in the air as a show of deference and allegiance to China

1985: Had a Chinese factory not manufactured the ball to perfection, Michael Jordan would not have completed his legendary foul line slam dunk

1986: Three-year-old eventual champion hurdler Liu Xiang jumps over his first thing

2005: The gold-medal winning Chinese female gymnastics team is born

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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