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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Most Notable Recent Player Transactions

With the shortened NFL free-agency period overlapping baseball's trade deadline, there has been a lot of player movement recently. Here are the most notable new deals:

  • Tarvaris Jackson: Seattle Seahawks have signed Jackson to a two-year, 196-interception deal
  • Plaxico Burress: Just as he signed his contract with the Jets, three loaded handguns fell out of his pants, hit the floor, and went off
  • Carlos Beltran: Finally has a chance to win a World Series in a Mets uniform if he wears it underneath his new Giants uniform
  • Vince Young: Will back up Michael Vick in Philadelphia in what will either be a sports psychologist's nightmare or a sports psychologist's dream come true
  • Curt Schilling: Retired more than two years ago, but his stupid fucking mouth is still moving like something important just happened to him
  • Reggie Bush: Adds new dimension to Dolphins' running-around-then-spinning-then-turning-to-the-weak-side-then-being-tackled-for-a-5-yard-loss game
  • Kevin Kolb: Cardinals brass hoping to recapture the magic of the Josh McCown era

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