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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Most Offensive Team Names

With the Washington Redskins coming under fire for having a disrespectful name, Onion Sports examines some of the most insulting monikers of sports teams.

  • Des Moines Schutzstaffel
  • San Antonio Late-Term Abortions
  • Boston Irish Fucks
  • Lexington Lynch Mob
  • Seattle Slave Traders
  • Phoenix Child Pornographers
  • Atlanta Jim Crows
  • Birmingham Whites Only
  • The Jerry Sandusky Football Camp All-Stars
  • San Diego Rectal Prolapse
  • Detroit Black Guys Bred To Be Superior Athletes
  • Jacksonville Jaguars
  • San Francisco Ching-Chongs
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