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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Most Offensive Team Names

With the Washington Redskins coming under fire for having a disrespectful name, Onion Sports examines some of the most insulting monikers of sports teams.

  • Des Moines Schutzstaffel
  • San Antonio Late-Term Abortions
  • Boston Irish Fucks
  • Lexington Lynch Mob
  • Seattle Slave Traders
  • Phoenix Child Pornographers
  • Atlanta Jim Crows
  • Birmingham Whites Only
  • The Jerry Sandusky Football Camp All-Stars
  • San Diego Rectal Prolapse
  • Detroit Black Guys Bred To Be Superior Athletes
  • Jacksonville Jaguars
  • San Francisco Ching-Chongs

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