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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Most Offensive Team Names

With the Washington Redskins coming under fire for having a disrespectful name, Onion Sports examines some of the most insulting monikers of sports teams.

  • Des Moines Schutzstaffel
  • San Antonio Late-Term Abortions
  • Boston Irish Fucks
  • Lexington Lynch Mob
  • Seattle Slave Traders
  • Phoenix Child Pornographers
  • Atlanta Jim Crows
  • Birmingham Whites Only
  • The Jerry Sandusky Football Camp All-Stars
  • San Diego Rectal Prolapse
  • Detroit Black Guys Bred To Be Superior Athletes
  • Jacksonville Jaguars
  • San Francisco Ching-Chongs

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