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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Most Overlooked Sports Stories Of 2008

Chase Utley is struck by a record-breaking seven consecutive pitches while sitting in the Phillies dugout

NBA Commissioner David Stern scores a respectable 12 points in the All-Star game

For the 11,472nd time, an NFL first quarter ends in a tie

Slow-ass NFL safety and cheap-shot artist John Lynch, who couldn't cover a receiver to save his life and was an obnoxious prick on top of it all, retires to little fanfare just like he fucking deserved, the miserable shit. Fuck John Lynch

During Bob Knight's on-court retirement celebration, the former Texas Tech and Indiana Hoosiers coach makes fans listen to Frank Sinatra's "My Way" for five straight hours

Wladimir Klitschko defeats WBO champion Sultan Ibragimov to unify the IBO, IBF, and WBO titles, which does absolutely nothing for the sport of boxing

A lot of cool shit had to have happened in the 2008 gliding championships

Lance Armstrong is forced to sit down with Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey and explain to them why they can't do the Tour de France with him

In his first at bat of the season, Rays rookie Evan Longoria hits a ground ball and accidentally runs to third base

The Detroit Red Wings win the 2008 Stanley Cup

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