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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Most Popular Fitness Trends

Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle. Here are this year’s most popular fitness trends:

  • Extended Rest Interval Training: Adapted from popular High Intensity Interval Training regimens, Extended Rest Interval Training (ERIT) requires the body to stay alert for up to 18 hours a day and then take 6 to 8 hours of rest, repeated every day of the week
  • ClapActive: A fitness craze that has already taken millions by storm, ClapActive’s high-intensity clapping program—practiced in more than 9,000 ClapActive gyms worldwide—is said to be a remarkably effective way to improve both your clapping power and clapping endurance, with countless celebrities swearing by the program’s 12 tenets for successful clapping
  • BragFit: A strict daily regimen in which individuals perform 10 intensive 15-minute reps of talking about their workout routine interspersed with very brief cool down periods
  • Competitively Trying To Run Faster Than The Asshole Next To You On The Treadmills: This program encourages each individual to increase the running speed on his or her treadmill by working up a grudge against the entirely imaginary jerk he or she has projected onto the guy next to him or her
  • Zambia: Many people are seeing weight loss results after just several weeks on this new fitness regimen of traveling to rural Zambia and attempting to survive
  • The Mongo Method: A demanding training program that combines the gracefulness of ballet, the raw physicality of Pilates, and the high-intensity cardio that comes with being chased around a gym by a belligerent 900-pound silverback gorilla
  • One Weird Trick That Really Works: By utilizing a single trick that might sound strange but actually works wonders, many have lost hundreds of pounds in a matter of weeks
  • 8-Minute Neck: According to this program’s advocates, in as little as eight minutes a day, you can get the chiseled, washboard neck you’ve always wanted simply by completing the fun 8-Minute Neck video workouts from the comfort of your own living room
  • This Great Spinning Class That Susan Got Me Into: I didn’t think I’d like it, but Susan got me to go with her one time, and you know what, I’m hooked! It’s only a half hour and it’s actually kind of fun. It’s every Tuesday and Thursday at 6 at Curves if you’re interested. Come on, wouldn’t that be a hoot if we all did it together?
  • The Octavion Method: Techniques discovered by Project 73 and its Icarus Protocol have allowed many to become stronger than they ever imagined...but at what cost?
  • Falling Out Of A Train Caboose, Then Wildly Flailing In Search Of Something To Grab Hold Of While Tumbling Down A Long Rocky Canyon Into A Ravine: As quick and simple as it sounds
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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