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Vol 40 Issue 08

Colorado Football Under Fire

In a growing scandal, several women have charged that they were raped by football players at the University of Colorado. What do you think?

ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

IRVING, TX—Hoping to avoid the "scraping and scrambling" it does every year, the ExxonMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a solemn promise to get moving on taxes early this year. "I swear, this time we are not going to be up all night on April 15," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond said. "We're going to start sorting through those receipts from the Qatar and Malaysia production facilities the first weekend we have time. Wouldn't it be nice to get it done ahead of time for a change?" Raymond said he hasn't forgotten driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine last year.

4-Year-Old Reportedly Loved Trip To Italy

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to his mother, 4-year-old Justin Finley "absolutely loved" a recent family trip to Italy. "He adored the fountains and the wonderful food, but Justin's favorite part of the trip was the La Scala Opera House in Milan," Heather Finley said Monday. "He was so excited at the La Scala that he was jumping up and down on the benches and climbing up the curtains." Finley then launched into her 23rd recounting of the family's tour of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, where Justin pointed to the gilt ceiling and said, "Look, pretty yellow!"

Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen

CYBERTRON—Following an intense battle with Megatron and his evil Decepticons Monday, former robot-in-disguise Bumblebee refused to revert to his natural state as a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. "I hid my existence in this world by taking the form of a vehicle! I revealed my true nature when I was called upon to protect earth!" said Bumblebee, a member of Optimus Prime's heroic Autobots force. "I refuse to change back into a humiliating bubble-shaped compact car!" Bumblebee added that Megatron arrived on earth with one goal: Destruction!

Man Kinda Excited For Internal Camera Procedure

FREDERICK, MD—Two days before his scheduled colonoscopy, Barry Feldman, 47, told his wife Joyce he was "kinda excited" by the idea of a camera taking internal pictures of him, sources reported Tuesday. "I'm a little nervous about the test results, but it sure is amazing that they'll be taking photos with a camera the size of a pencil eraser!" Feldman said. "I talked to the doctor, and he said I'll be able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. He said they can even make me a video tape!" Feldman added that he hopes he doesn't pass out from the pain and miss something.

Thai Premier Eats Entire Bucket Of Chicken To Calm Bird-Flu Fears

BANGKOK—To allay concerns about the safety of Thai poultry following an outbreak of the H5N1 bird virus, Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra ate an entire 15-piece bucket of fried chicken on live television Monday. "See, it's fine, this chicken," Shinawatra said as he tore into a leg. "You are all worried for nothing. It's delicious." In a Carson's Group International poll taken after the broadcast, 63 percent of viewers said they wouldn't be afraid to eat chicken raised in Thailand, but 94 percent said they were afraid of Shinawatra.

Going Out Is Too Much Hassle

Hola, amigos. What's going on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been out of my head lately. I've put on about 15 pounds since I started my job driving people back and forth between the airport and the car-rental place. I don't get it. I've been driving my ass off, and I'm still becoming a king-sized fat-ass. I'm trying that Atkins diet. They got a book about it, but why bother with that? I think I got the gist of it from hearing Wes' mom talk about it all the time. I mean, eat nothing but meat? Sign me up. I went out and got myself 12 packs of hot dogs and a 10-pound box of frozen hamburger patties. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I figure you gotta give these things some time to work.

Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely.
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