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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Most Surprising Training Camp Cuts

Last Saturday saw NFL teams making final cuts to get down to 53-man rosters, and some unexpected names had to hand in their playbooks. Here’s a guide to who was released:

  • LB Chris Ellis: The Bills transitioned him further and further to the outside until he just wasn’t on the field or in the stadium anymore
  • WR Kevin Jurovich: Dropped a pass
  • S Brandon Meriweather: One team's trash is another team's starting trash
  • DE Marques Murrell: The Patriots weighed the pros and cons of Murrell’s one tackle last season and decided it wasn’t a very good tackle
  • CB Niles Brinkley: Although always the last player to leave the field, that’s because he was always asleep on the 50-yard line
  • RB Chester Taylor: Watching Taylor struggle became painful for the Bears, so they released him to go play for the Cardinals, where watching Taylor struggle is funny
  • K Nick Novak: The Jets surprisingly released a kicker, signaling they would only keep six kickers on their active roster this year
  • QB David Garrard: The Jaguar quarterback's release was met with shock by Jacksonville fans, who were pretty sure the Jaguars stopped being a thing years ago

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