Most Surprising Training Camp Cuts

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Most Surprising Training Camp Cuts

Last Saturday saw NFL teams making final cuts to get down to 53-man rosters, and some unexpected names had to hand in their playbooks. Here’s a guide to who was released:

  • LB Chris Ellis: The Bills transitioned him further and further to the outside until he just wasn’t on the field or in the stadium anymore
  • WR Kevin Jurovich: Dropped a pass
  • S Brandon Meriweather: One team's trash is another team's starting trash
  • DE Marques Murrell: The Patriots weighed the pros and cons of Murrell’s one tackle last season and decided it wasn’t a very good tackle
  • CB Niles Brinkley: Although always the last player to leave the field, that’s because he was always asleep on the 50-yard line
  • RB Chester Taylor: Watching Taylor struggle became painful for the Bears, so they released him to go play for the Cardinals, where watching Taylor struggle is funny
  • K Nick Novak: The Jets surprisingly released a kicker, signaling they would only keep six kickers on their active roster this year
  • QB David Garrard: The Jaguar quarterback's release was met with shock by Jacksonville fans, who were pretty sure the Jaguars stopped being a thing years ago


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