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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Most Surprising Training Camp Cuts

Last Saturday saw NFL teams making final cuts to get down to 53-man rosters, and some unexpected names had to hand in their playbooks. Here’s a guide to who was released:

  • LB Chris Ellis: The Bills transitioned him further and further to the outside until he just wasn’t on the field or in the stadium anymore
  • WR Kevin Jurovich: Dropped a pass
  • S Brandon Meriweather: One team's trash is another team's starting trash
  • DE Marques Murrell: The Patriots weighed the pros and cons of Murrell’s one tackle last season and decided it wasn’t a very good tackle
  • CB Niles Brinkley: Although always the last player to leave the field, that’s because he was always asleep on the 50-yard line
  • RB Chester Taylor: Watching Taylor struggle became painful for the Bears, so they released him to go play for the Cardinals, where watching Taylor struggle is funny
  • K Nick Novak: The Jets surprisingly released a kicker, signaling they would only keep six kickers on their active roster this year
  • QB David Garrard: The Jaguar quarterback's release was met with shock by Jacksonville fans, who were pretty sure the Jaguars stopped being a thing years ago

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