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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:

  • New York—New Citibank ATM vestibule just two blocks from site of devastating financial collapse
  • Elizabeth, NJ—Bed, Bath, and Beyond on sacred IKEA grounds
  • Pearl Harbor, HI—P.F. Chang's location a reasonable cab ride away from the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial
  • Philadelphia—British consulate on hard-won U.S. soil
  • Terre Haute, IN—Frito-Lay display planned for Baesler's Market is an affront to the fact that Terre Haute was the original U.S. test market for Pringles
  • Culver City, CA—Comedy club built next to the site where that disaster Grown Ups was filmed
  • Provincetown, MA—Organic artisan cheese stand set up next to raw cashew cheese booth at farmer's market
  • Lakehurst, NJ—Balloon store only three miles from site of Hindenburg crash
  • Olathe, KS—Barnes & Noble
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