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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:

  • New York—New Citibank ATM vestibule just two blocks from site of devastating financial collapse
  • Elizabeth, NJ—Bed, Bath, and Beyond on sacred IKEA grounds
  • Pearl Harbor, HI—P.F. Chang's location a reasonable cab ride away from the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial
  • Philadelphia—British consulate on hard-won U.S. soil
  • Terre Haute, IN—Frito-Lay display planned for Baesler's Market is an affront to the fact that Terre Haute was the original U.S. test market for Pringles
  • Culver City, CA—Comedy club built next to the site where that disaster Grown Ups was filmed
  • Provincetown, MA—Organic artisan cheese stand set up next to raw cashew cheese booth at farmer's market
  • Lakehurst, NJ—Balloon store only three miles from site of Hindenburg crash
  • Olathe, KS—Barnes & Noble

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