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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
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Music Festival Tips

This summer promises to be a vibrant one for music festivals, due to the growing popularity of the Pitchfork Festival, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and others. Here's how you can keep safe and comfortable during these multiday events:

  • Only take ecstasy with people you've known for part of an afternoon or longer.
  • Lines to the portable toilets can be unbearably long. Rig a makeshift chemical toilet in your cargo shorts using an adult diaper and formaldehyde.
  • For the band's sake, it's best to be within the first 15 rows if you'd like to flash your rack.
  • Get on a security guard's good side by complimenting him on the way he's standing there like a total asshole.
  • Don't be afraid to be the screaming shirtless dude in a great big funny hat. Someone always buys that guy a hot dog.
  • If at all disoriented, yell, "WOOOO!" until you feel well again.
  • The acceptable time at which a festivalgoer may sit down is after five hours if he or she is 32 years old or over, or after eight hours if he or she is between 24 and 31. There is no acceptable sit-down time for festivalgoers ages 24 and younger.
  • 3XL poncho will allow you to make a few bucks renting out space during storms.
  • Remember, a positive festival experience is as simple as urinating into a jug, fiercely guarding against frottage amid the dense crowds, and staying awake for 72 hours straight to make sure people don't steal your shit.

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