adBlockCheck

Music Festival Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Music Festival Tips

This summer promises to be a vibrant one for music festivals, due to the growing popularity of the Pitchfork Festival, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and others. Here's how you can keep safe and comfortable during these multiday events:

  • Only take ecstasy with people you've known for part of an afternoon or longer.
  • Lines to the portable toilets can be unbearably long. Rig a makeshift chemical toilet in your cargo shorts using an adult diaper and formaldehyde.
  • For the band's sake, it's best to be within the first 15 rows if you'd like to flash your rack.
  • Get on a security guard's good side by complimenting him on the way he's standing there like a total asshole.
  • Don't be afraid to be the screaming shirtless dude in a great big funny hat. Someone always buys that guy a hot dog.
  • If at all disoriented, yell, "WOOOO!" until you feel well again.
  • The acceptable time at which a festivalgoer may sit down is after five hours if he or she is 32 years old or over, or after eight hours if he or she is between 24 and 31. There is no acceptable sit-down time for festivalgoers ages 24 and younger.
  • 3XL poncho will allow you to make a few bucks renting out space during storms.
  • Remember, a positive festival experience is as simple as urinating into a jug, fiercely guarding against frottage amid the dense crowds, and staying awake for 72 hours straight to make sure people don't steal your shit.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close