adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
End Of Section
  • More News

Music Festival Tips

This summer promises to be a vibrant one for music festivals, due to the growing popularity of the Pitchfork Festival, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and others. Here's how you can keep safe and comfortable during these multiday events:

  • Only take ecstasy with people you've known for part of an afternoon or longer.
  • Lines to the portable toilets can be unbearably long. Rig a makeshift chemical toilet in your cargo shorts using an adult diaper and formaldehyde.
  • For the band's sake, it's best to be within the first 15 rows if you'd like to flash your rack.
  • Get on a security guard's good side by complimenting him on the way he's standing there like a total asshole.
  • Don't be afraid to be the screaming shirtless dude in a great big funny hat. Someone always buys that guy a hot dog.
  • If at all disoriented, yell, "WOOOO!" until you feel well again.
  • The acceptable time at which a festivalgoer may sit down is after five hours if he or she is 32 years old or over, or after eight hours if he or she is between 24 and 31. There is no acceptable sit-down time for festivalgoers ages 24 and younger.
  • 3XL poncho will allow you to make a few bucks renting out space during storms.
  • Remember, a positive festival experience is as simple as urinating into a jug, fiercely guarding against frottage amid the dense crowds, and staying awake for 72 hours straight to make sure people don't steal your shit.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close