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NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence

As technology advances to the point where machines have almost human-like capabilities, humanity is left to ponder the consequences involved with either advancing or holding back the field of computer sentience. Here are the pros and cons of artificial intelligence

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."

Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

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