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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas

After soliciting ideas from scientists, NASA has received around 400 proposals on how to rethink its Martian exploration program. Here are a few of them:

  • Offer 3 percent capital-gains tax relief to companies willing to relocate to the southern Martian mountain region
  • Fake the whole thing in the Nevada desert
  • Have expedition stop by the moon to pick up the moon-mobile and then drive the shit out of it on Mars
  • To prove to all of us down here that they really did make it to Mars, they should repaint half the planet blue, or add some stripes maybe
  • Drop a little robot on Mars and have it putter around picking up sand until it runs out of power
  • Shoot lasers at some stuff
  • Begin the Martian colonization modestly by introducing hardy insects and rabbits
  • Find some damn Martians already
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