NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas

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Vol 48 Issue 23

The Northernmost Corner Of Your Room

Let this quiet 14-by-14-foot alcove be your sweet respite from the pile of work on your bed, the unsorted receipts on your desk, and the closet full of clothes that haven't fit you since November!

The Dunham Group

PBS 11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham discusses the week's political developments with panelists Peanut, Bubba J, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and Pat Buchanan.

Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads

WASHINGTON—According to event attendees, after numerous failed attempts to steer the subject away from his occupation, an American governor in town for a fundraiser Thursday at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts finally acknowledged he was t...

Nurse Jackie

Showtime 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT To cover up accidentally killing a patient while high on Percocet, Nurse Jackie gets canceled.

Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti

Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas

After soliciting ideas from scientists, NASA has received around 400 proposals on how to rethink its Martian exploration program. Here are a few of them:

  • Offer 3 percent capital-gains tax relief to companies willing to relocate to the southern Martian mountain region
  • Fake the whole thing in the Nevada desert
  • Have expedition stop by the moon to pick up the moon-mobile and then drive the shit out of it on Mars
  • To prove to all of us down here that they really did make it to Mars, they should repaint half the planet blue, or add some stripes maybe
  • Drop a little robot on Mars and have it putter around picking up sand until it runs out of power
  • Shoot lasers at some stuff
  • Begin the Martian colonization modestly by introducing hardy insects and rabbits
  • Find some damn Martians already
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