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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas

After soliciting ideas from scientists, NASA has received around 400 proposals on how to rethink its Martian exploration program. Here are a few of them:

  • Offer 3 percent capital-gains tax relief to companies willing to relocate to the southern Martian mountain region
  • Fake the whole thing in the Nevada desert
  • Have expedition stop by the moon to pick up the moon-mobile and then drive the shit out of it on Mars
  • To prove to all of us down here that they really did make it to Mars, they should repaint half the planet blue, or add some stripes maybe
  • Drop a little robot on Mars and have it putter around picking up sand until it runs out of power
  • Shoot lasers at some stuff
  • Begin the Martian colonization modestly by introducing hardy insects and rabbits
  • Find some damn Martians already

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