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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas

After soliciting ideas from scientists, NASA has received around 400 proposals on how to rethink its Martian exploration program. Here are a few of them:

  • Offer 3 percent capital-gains tax relief to companies willing to relocate to the southern Martian mountain region
  • Fake the whole thing in the Nevada desert
  • Have expedition stop by the moon to pick up the moon-mobile and then drive the shit out of it on Mars
  • To prove to all of us down here that they really did make it to Mars, they should repaint half the planet blue, or add some stripes maybe
  • Drop a little robot on Mars and have it putter around picking up sand until it runs out of power
  • Shoot lasers at some stuff
  • Begin the Martian colonization modestly by introducing hardy insects and rabbits
  • Find some damn Martians already

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