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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NASCAR Goes Upscale

Stock car racing's growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:

Paved asphalt tracks will be replaced with more refined polished hardwood tracks

Drivers now required to say "please" during passing situations and "thank you" while drafting

Only free-range chicken wings, lightly braised in a red wine and cilantro reduction, may be thrown at Mr. Dale Earnhardt the Second, Esq.

Suddenly no one minds that Jeff Gordon is gay

Fans encouraged to wear polo shirts and chinos all the time, not just when Best Buy or Applebee's assistant managers remind them about the dress code

Building 2.5-mile banked superspeedway oval around Manhattan's trendy-chic Tribeca neighborhood

Asking hot streetwear artist/designer Marc Ecko to redesign Confederate flag for today's hip young urban fans

After all crashes, drivers must exchange insurance information as well as report the incident to local police

Announcers forced to describe everything with the word "exquisite"

Distancing race series from fans, participants

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