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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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NASCAR Goes Upscale

Stock car racing's growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:

Paved asphalt tracks will be replaced with more refined polished hardwood tracks

Drivers now required to say "please" during passing situations and "thank you" while drafting

Only free-range chicken wings, lightly braised in a red wine and cilantro reduction, may be thrown at Mr. Dale Earnhardt the Second, Esq.

Suddenly no one minds that Jeff Gordon is gay

Fans encouraged to wear polo shirts and chinos all the time, not just when Best Buy or Applebee's assistant managers remind them about the dress code

Building 2.5-mile banked superspeedway oval around Manhattan's trendy-chic Tribeca neighborhood

Asking hot streetwear artist/designer Marc Ecko to redesign Confederate flag for today's hip young urban fans

After all crashes, drivers must exchange insurance information as well as report the incident to local police

Announcers forced to describe everything with the word "exquisite"

Distancing race series from fans, participants

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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