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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NASCAR Goes Upscale

Stock car racing's growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:

Paved asphalt tracks will be replaced with more refined polished hardwood tracks

Drivers now required to say "please" during passing situations and "thank you" while drafting

Only free-range chicken wings, lightly braised in a red wine and cilantro reduction, may be thrown at Mr. Dale Earnhardt the Second, Esq.

Suddenly no one minds that Jeff Gordon is gay

Fans encouraged to wear polo shirts and chinos all the time, not just when Best Buy or Applebee's assistant managers remind them about the dress code

Building 2.5-mile banked superspeedway oval around Manhattan's trendy-chic Tribeca neighborhood

Asking hot streetwear artist/designer Marc Ecko to redesign Confederate flag for today's hip young urban fans

After all crashes, drivers must exchange insurance information as well as report the incident to local police

Announcers forced to describe everything with the word "exquisite"

Distancing race series from fans, participants

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