adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

NASCAR Goes Upscale

Stock car racing's growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:

Paved asphalt tracks will be replaced with more refined polished hardwood tracks

Drivers now required to say "please" during passing situations and "thank you" while drafting

Only free-range chicken wings, lightly braised in a red wine and cilantro reduction, may be thrown at Mr. Dale Earnhardt the Second, Esq.

Suddenly no one minds that Jeff Gordon is gay

Fans encouraged to wear polo shirts and chinos all the time, not just when Best Buy or Applebee's assistant managers remind them about the dress code

Building 2.5-mile banked superspeedway oval around Manhattan's trendy-chic Tribeca neighborhood

Asking hot streetwear artist/designer Marc Ecko to redesign Confederate flag for today's hip young urban fans

After all crashes, drivers must exchange insurance information as well as report the incident to local police

Announcers forced to describe everything with the word "exquisite"

Distancing race series from fans, participants

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close