NASCAR Goes Upscale

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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NASCAR Goes Upscale

Stock car racing's growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:

Paved asphalt tracks will be replaced with more refined polished hardwood tracks

Drivers now required to say "please" during passing situations and "thank you" while drafting

Only free-range chicken wings, lightly braised in a red wine and cilantro reduction, may be thrown at Mr. Dale Earnhardt the Second, Esq.

Suddenly no one minds that Jeff Gordon is gay

Fans encouraged to wear polo shirts and chinos all the time, not just when Best Buy or Applebee's assistant managers remind them about the dress code

Building 2.5-mile banked superspeedway oval around Manhattan's trendy-chic Tribeca neighborhood

Asking hot streetwear artist/designer Marc Ecko to redesign Confederate flag for today's hip young urban fans

After all crashes, drivers must exchange insurance information as well as report the incident to local police

Announcers forced to describe everything with the word "exquisite"

Distancing race series from fans, participants


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