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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes

1908: In the first-ever NASCAR race, every Model T putters out in the first five seconds

1984: After Doug Heveron crashes on the 198th lap of the Firecracker 400, Richard Petty beats out Cale Yarborough during the yellow-flag lap by being extra cautious

1986: Kyle Petty's win in the Miller High Life 400 is revoked when his car is found to contain an illegal performance-boosting prototype hound-dog seat

1987: Despite being HIV positive, Tim Richmond tallies his 13th win, disappointing fans who hold a certain view of the world

1990: NASCAR officials rule that the events depicted in Days Of Thunder were just made-up stories in a Hollywood movie and therefore did not actually happen in real life

2003: In a disappointing and embarrassing moment for Jeff Gordon, his Hello Kitty safety parachute opens right before he crosses the finish line

2005: The flagman accidentally waves the checkered flag to start the Sharpie 500, forcing officials to declare Kyle Busch the winner after only .00001 seconds of racing

2006: A 24-car tie for first at the newly reconstructed Talladega Superspeedway reveals that the track was rebuilt wide enough for 24 cars to drive side by side

2007: On a great day for racing, when the Autism 400 raises so much money raised for a good cause, that evil bastard Martin Truex, Jr. wins

1949 to present: Pretty much any race that ended with the top finishers separated by more than a car length

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