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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes

1908: In the first-ever NASCAR race, every Model T putters out in the first five seconds

1984: After Doug Heveron crashes on the 198th lap of the Firecracker 400, Richard Petty beats out Cale Yarborough during the yellow-flag lap by being extra cautious

1986: Kyle Petty's win in the Miller High Life 400 is revoked when his car is found to contain an illegal performance-boosting prototype hound-dog seat

1987: Despite being HIV positive, Tim Richmond tallies his 13th win, disappointing fans who hold a certain view of the world

1990: NASCAR officials rule that the events depicted in Days Of Thunder were just made-up stories in a Hollywood movie and therefore did not actually happen in real life

2003: In a disappointing and embarrassing moment for Jeff Gordon, his Hello Kitty safety parachute opens right before he crosses the finish line

2005: The flagman accidentally waves the checkered flag to start the Sharpie 500, forcing officials to declare Kyle Busch the winner after only .00001 seconds of racing

2006: A 24-car tie for first at the newly reconstructed Talladega Superspeedway reveals that the track was rebuilt wide enough for 24 cars to drive side by side

2007: On a great day for racing, when the Autism 400 raises so much money raised for a good cause, that evil bastard Martin Truex, Jr. wins

1949 to present: Pretty much any race that ended with the top finishers separated by more than a car length

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