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NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes

1908: In the first-ever NASCAR race, every Model T putters out in the first five seconds

1984: After Doug Heveron crashes on the 198th lap of the Firecracker 400, Richard Petty beats out Cale Yarborough during the yellow-flag lap by being extra cautious

1986: Kyle Petty's win in the Miller High Life 400 is revoked when his car is found to contain an illegal performance-boosting prototype hound-dog seat

1987: Despite being HIV positive, Tim Richmond tallies his 13th win, disappointing fans who hold a certain view of the world

1990: NASCAR officials rule that the events depicted in Days Of Thunder were just made-up stories in a Hollywood movie and therefore did not actually happen in real life

2003: In a disappointing and embarrassing moment for Jeff Gordon, his Hello Kitty safety parachute opens right before he crosses the finish line

2005: The flagman accidentally waves the checkered flag to start the Sharpie 500, forcing officials to declare Kyle Busch the winner after only .00001 seconds of racing

2006: A 24-car tie for first at the newly reconstructed Talladega Superspeedway reveals that the track was rebuilt wide enough for 24 cars to drive side by side

2007: On a great day for racing, when the Autism 400 raises so much money raised for a good cause, that evil bastard Martin Truex, Jr. wins

1949 to present: Pretty much any race that ended with the top finishers separated by more than a car length

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