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Nation Celebrates Independence Day

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Nation Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks, and other annual traditions that often date back generations. Here's how towns and cities nationwide are celebrating the holiday:

  • South Hero, VT: Saddest little parade in the world in which citizens eagerly line the main street just so they can wave at a few tractors
  • Moline, IL: Setting off an M-80 in some guy's mailbox
  • Trenton, OH: Mayor Ron O'Hare will be hosting a screening of Independence Day at his house
  • Hillsdale, MI: Gary's Diner will be honoring our nation's heritage by offering a deep-fried American flag with every meal
  • Washington, D.C.: Awarding $700 million missile guidance contract to Raytheon
  • Lake Tomahawk, WI: This year, town leaders have ignored all advice to the contrary and are having a demolition derby within the parade as it moves down Main Street
  • Chicago: Navy Pier will have lame-ass guys in pirate outfits running around, same as they do every fuckin’ day
  • Carefree, AZ: A representative from the county sheriff’s department will go house to house verifying United States citizenship
  • Russellville, MO: Ten-year-old Tyler McDonald’s thumb will be ritually sacrificed with small explosives to appease the God of Patriotism
  • Cambridge, MA: There will be no celebrations in this city, as the local populace loathes the United States, each and every U.S. serviceman, the American flag, and all the rights and freedoms that it stands for

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