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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Nation Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks, and other annual traditions that often date back generations. Here's how towns and cities nationwide are celebrating the holiday:

  • South Hero, VT: Saddest little parade in the world in which citizens eagerly line the main street just so they can wave at a few tractors
  • Moline, IL: Setting off an M-80 in some guy's mailbox
  • Trenton, OH: Mayor Ron O'Hare will be hosting a screening of Independence Day at his house
  • Hillsdale, MI: Gary's Diner will be honoring our nation's heritage by offering a deep-fried American flag with every meal
  • Washington, D.C.: Awarding $700 million missile guidance contract to Raytheon
  • Lake Tomahawk, WI: This year, town leaders have ignored all advice to the contrary and are having a demolition derby within the parade as it moves down Main Street
  • Chicago: Navy Pier will have lame-ass guys in pirate outfits running around, same as they do every fuckin’ day
  • Carefree, AZ: A representative from the county sheriff’s department will go house to house verifying United States citizenship
  • Russellville, MO: Ten-year-old Tyler McDonald’s thumb will be ritually sacrificed with small explosives to appease the God of Patriotism
  • Cambridge, MA: There will be no celebrations in this city, as the local populace loathes the United States, each and every U.S. serviceman, the American flag, and all the rights and freedoms that it stands for

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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