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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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Nation Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks, and other annual traditions that often date back generations. Here's how towns and cities nationwide are celebrating the holiday:

  • South Hero, VT: Saddest little parade in the world in which citizens eagerly line the main street just so they can wave at a few tractors
  • Moline, IL: Setting off an M-80 in some guy's mailbox
  • Trenton, OH: Mayor Ron O'Hare will be hosting a screening of Independence Day at his house
  • Hillsdale, MI: Gary's Diner will be honoring our nation's heritage by offering a deep-fried American flag with every meal
  • Washington, D.C.: Awarding $700 million missile guidance contract to Raytheon
  • Lake Tomahawk, WI: This year, town leaders have ignored all advice to the contrary and are having a demolition derby within the parade as it moves down Main Street
  • Chicago: Navy Pier will have lame-ass guys in pirate outfits running around, same as they do every fuckin’ day
  • Carefree, AZ: A representative from the county sheriff’s department will go house to house verifying United States citizenship
  • Russellville, MO: Ten-year-old Tyler McDonald’s thumb will be ritually sacrificed with small explosives to appease the God of Patriotism
  • Cambridge, MA: There will be no celebrations in this city, as the local populace loathes the United States, each and every U.S. serviceman, the American flag, and all the rights and freedoms that it stands for

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