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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nation Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks, and other annual traditions that often date back generations. Here's how towns and cities nationwide are celebrating the holiday:

  • South Hero, VT: Saddest little parade in the world in which citizens eagerly line the main street just so they can wave at a few tractors
  • Moline, IL: Setting off an M-80 in some guy's mailbox
  • Trenton, OH: Mayor Ron O'Hare will be hosting a screening of Independence Day at his house
  • Hillsdale, MI: Gary's Diner will be honoring our nation's heritage by offering a deep-fried American flag with every meal
  • Washington, D.C.: Awarding $700 million missile guidance contract to Raytheon
  • Lake Tomahawk, WI: This year, town leaders have ignored all advice to the contrary and are having a demolition derby within the parade as it moves down Main Street
  • Chicago: Navy Pier will have lame-ass guys in pirate outfits running around, same as they do every fuckin’ day
  • Carefree, AZ: A representative from the county sheriff’s department will go house to house verifying United States citizenship
  • Russellville, MO: Ten-year-old Tyler McDonald’s thumb will be ritually sacrificed with small explosives to appease the God of Patriotism
  • Cambridge, MA: There will be no celebrations in this city, as the local populace loathes the United States, each and every U.S. serviceman, the American flag, and all the rights and freedoms that it stands for

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