Nation Celebrates Independence Day

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Vol 48 Issue 27

Giraffes Of The Kalahari

Discovery 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT With the help of photography and narration, viewers will get a little smarter in the giraffe department.

Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman

Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman tied the knot Saturday night at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s just to get that drunken Unification Church officiate off their goddamn backs.

The Rookie

ABC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT In tonight's season-four finale, everyone agrees that while, yes, Detective Sergeant is in his fourth year and should no longer be considered a rookie on the force, they will continue to consider him a rookie, because the ...

Obama Slips 'Hope' Into Speech For The Fans

A string of poorly received performances forces a sock puppet to return to a foot, a study shows that 85% of Americans don't know all of the dance moves to the national anthem, and Keith Richards' housekeeper has braced herself for finding a dead body eve...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Holiday

Nation Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks, and other annual traditions that often date back generations. Here's how towns and cities nationwide are celebrating the holiday:

  • South Hero, VT: Saddest little parade in the world in which citizens eagerly line the main street just so they can wave at a few tractors
  • Moline, IL: Setting off an M-80 in some guy's mailbox
  • Trenton, OH: Mayor Ron O'Hare will be hosting a screening of Independence Day at his house
  • Hillsdale, MI: Gary's Diner will be honoring our nation's heritage by offering a deep-fried American flag with every meal
  • Washington, D.C.: Awarding $700 million missile guidance contract to Raytheon
  • Lake Tomahawk, WI: This year, town leaders have ignored all advice to the contrary and are having a demolition derby within the parade as it moves down Main Street
  • Chicago: Navy Pier will have lame-ass guys in pirate outfits running around, same as they do every fuckin’ day
  • Carefree, AZ: A representative from the county sheriff’s department will go house to house verifying United States citizenship
  • Russellville, MO: Ten-year-old Tyler McDonald’s thumb will be ritually sacrificed with small explosives to appease the God of Patriotism
  • Cambridge, MA: There will be no celebrations in this city, as the local populace loathes the United States, each and every U.S. serviceman, the American flag, and all the rights and freedoms that it stands for
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