Navy Discontinues Use of 'Port' And 'Starboard'Will Now Refer To Left As 'Thunk' And Right As 'Moosh-Baroo'

In This Section

Vol 31 Issue 20

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News