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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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NBA 2007 Season Predictions

As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league's trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of professional basketball:

A determined Mark Cuban will sit even closer to the court and yell even more stuff at the refs

Dwayne Wade, who has already won a championship and sees no point in trying to win another, will return to the court 200 pounds heavier

The Atlanta Hawks will win the hearts of Americans everywhere when they augment their sloppy play with funny sound effects

Mid-season rule changes will mean dribbling is no longer optional

Bucks rookie Yi Jianlian will find the NBA facilities much nicer than the coalmine where he and his Chinese teammates were housed

The Knicks will not score a single point all season long

Watch out for a touching Sports Illustrated article on how Ron Artest is actually a decent, loving, spiritual man and/or Artest receiving a season-long suspension for eating a puppy alive

In order to generate more fan interest, the Denver Nuggets will change their team name to the Denver Big Ol' Scary Dragons

All-Star Week excess will reach new heights when the game is played inside a gigantic diamond

For the 35th consecutive year, no rainouts

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