NBA 2007 Season Predictions

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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NBA 2007 Season Predictions

As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league's trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of professional basketball:

A determined Mark Cuban will sit even closer to the court and yell even more stuff at the refs

Dwayne Wade, who has already won a championship and sees no point in trying to win another, will return to the court 200 pounds heavier

The Atlanta Hawks will win the hearts of Americans everywhere when they augment their sloppy play with funny sound effects

Mid-season rule changes will mean dribbling is no longer optional

Bucks rookie Yi Jianlian will find the NBA facilities much nicer than the coalmine where he and his Chinese teammates were housed

The Knicks will not score a single point all season long

Watch out for a touching Sports Illustrated article on how Ron Artest is actually a decent, loving, spiritual man and/or Artest receiving a season-long suspension for eating a puppy alive

In order to generate more fan interest, the Denver Nuggets will change their team name to the Denver Big Ol' Scary Dragons

All-Star Week excess will reach new heights when the game is played inside a gigantic diamond

For the 35th consecutive year, no rainouts


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