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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NBA 2007 Season Predictions

As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league's trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of professional basketball:

A determined Mark Cuban will sit even closer to the court and yell even more stuff at the refs

Dwayne Wade, who has already won a championship and sees no point in trying to win another, will return to the court 200 pounds heavier

The Atlanta Hawks will win the hearts of Americans everywhere when they augment their sloppy play with funny sound effects

Mid-season rule changes will mean dribbling is no longer optional

Bucks rookie Yi Jianlian will find the NBA facilities much nicer than the coalmine where he and his Chinese teammates were housed

The Knicks will not score a single point all season long

Watch out for a touching Sports Illustrated article on how Ron Artest is actually a decent, loving, spiritual man and/or Artest receiving a season-long suspension for eating a puppy alive

In order to generate more fan interest, the Denver Nuggets will change their team name to the Denver Big Ol' Scary Dragons

All-Star Week excess will reach new heights when the game is played inside a gigantic diamond

For the 35th consecutive year, no rainouts

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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