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NBA 2007 Season Predictions

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NBA 2007 Season Predictions

As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league's trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of professional basketball:

A determined Mark Cuban will sit even closer to the court and yell even more stuff at the refs

Dwayne Wade, who has already won a championship and sees no point in trying to win another, will return to the court 200 pounds heavier

The Atlanta Hawks will win the hearts of Americans everywhere when they augment their sloppy play with funny sound effects

Mid-season rule changes will mean dribbling is no longer optional

Bucks rookie Yi Jianlian will find the NBA facilities much nicer than the coalmine where he and his Chinese teammates were housed

The Knicks will not score a single point all season long

Watch out for a touching Sports Illustrated article on how Ron Artest is actually a decent, loving, spiritual man and/or Artest receiving a season-long suspension for eating a puppy alive

In order to generate more fan interest, the Denver Nuggets will change their team name to the Denver Big Ol' Scary Dragons

All-Star Week excess will reach new heights when the game is played inside a gigantic diamond

For the 35th consecutive year, no rainouts

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