adBlockCheck

Sports

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

NBA's Biggest-Ever Trade Deadline Deals

  • 1891: James Naismith claims a taller player for his team and then immediately proclaims that no other teams are allowed to change their rosters
  • 1971: Bucks trade NBA MVP Lew Alcindor for complete unknown Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
  • 1974: The Hawks' "Pistol" Pete Maravich executes a brilliant behind-the-back dipsy-doodle looky-loo trade that sends eight disoriented players stumbling to Atlanta as he glides effortlessly to the Jazz
  • 1991: That huge Michael Jordan trade that no one ever talks about
  • 1994: The L.A. Clippers trade a nearly mint Danny Manning and a first-round draft pick to the Atlanta Hawks for two slightly bent Dominique Wilkinses
  • 1999: An eight-team deal sends Sam Cassell to the Suns, Timberwolves, Bucks, Nets, Clippers, Mavericks, Rockets, and Celtics
  • 2004: The Lakers trade Shaquille O'Neal to the Heat for a bunch of guys who are not Shaquille fucking O'Neal 2008: The Lakers place a call to the Memphis Grizzlies to inquire about Pau Gasol's availability, piece together that the Grizzlies have no GM or front office to speak of, and sign Gasol to a contract

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close