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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NCAA Tournament Bubble Teams

Last year's Cinderella showing by controversial tourney selection George Mason raised America's collective bubble-team awareness. Onion Sports picks out this year's marginal but notable picks:

Duke: Look for this bubble team to sneak in, because if it doesn't, sports will cease to exist, decent men and women everywhere will weep for all eternity, and the planet Earth will spiral down into the heart of the sun

Grove City College: Even though it is a small Division III school, their key early-season win against rival Penn State Altoona is sure to linger in the minds of the selection committee

Drexel: Although they failed to win their conference, the Drexel Dragons will be selected because their inevitable defeat will generate dramatic wordplay headlines

Texas Tech: Coach Bob Knight's campaign of emasculating farm animals with his teeth in front of selection-committee members is sure to have had some impact

Michigan: See Duke

Miami: Since so many other teams from Florida are guaranteed a spot, the NCAA just didn't realize it should say no to the 11-19 Hurricanes

DePaul: Whatever; make it, don't make it, no one really cares

Ohio State: Although they're actually one of the top-ranked teams in the nation, the tournament selection committee has decided to artificially devalue the Buckeyes in order to guarantee March Madness 2007 has an incredible underdog story

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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