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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NCAA Tournament Bubble Teams

Last year's Cinderella showing by controversial tourney selection George Mason raised America's collective bubble-team awareness. Onion Sports picks out this year's marginal but notable picks:

Duke: Look for this bubble team to sneak in, because if it doesn't, sports will cease to exist, decent men and women everywhere will weep for all eternity, and the planet Earth will spiral down into the heart of the sun

Grove City College: Even though it is a small Division III school, their key early-season win against rival Penn State Altoona is sure to linger in the minds of the selection committee

Drexel: Although they failed to win their conference, the Drexel Dragons will be selected because their inevitable defeat will generate dramatic wordplay headlines

Texas Tech: Coach Bob Knight's campaign of emasculating farm animals with his teeth in front of selection-committee members is sure to have had some impact

Michigan: See Duke

Miami: Since so many other teams from Florida are guaranteed a spot, the NCAA just didn't realize it should say no to the 11-19 Hurricanes

DePaul: Whatever; make it, don't make it, no one really cares

Ohio State: Although they're actually one of the top-ranked teams in the nation, the tournament selection committee has decided to artificially devalue the Buckeyes in order to guarantee March Madness 2007 has an incredible underdog story

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