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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NCAA Tournament Snubs

Although 64 teams are invited, there are always those who feel unjustly overlooked. We run down the reasoning behind prominent non-invitations:

San Diego State: Oh, you know, their RPI was just way too low or high or whatever is bad

Auburn: Team doesn't test well with women age 18 to 34

New Mexico: Have this weird way of dribbling that's just really off-putting

Penn State: No one likes Penn State

Gonzaga II: Only room in tournament for one Gonzaga

UNLV: Flunked the written part of the examination

Creighton: Glitches in their audition tape revealed that they edited the highlights so it looked like they never missed a shot

Davidson: The NCAA offered a third seed to Stephen Curry, but he selfishly wanted to bring his teammates along

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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