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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Networking Tips

Connecting with professionals in the same field can open up a world of opportunity for job seekers. Here are The Onion’s networking tips:

  • First impressions last forever. Immediately after shaking someone’s hand, take a bottle of antibacterial sanitizer from your pocket and clean your hand thoroughly so that they know you have good hygiene.
  • Always have business cards on hand featuring your name, email, cell phone number, address, social security number, and credit card information.
  • People are often quite busy during the workday, so always approach potential contacts by visiting their homes at night.
  • Don’t neglect contacts in your professional network. Every few months, renew your relationships by mailing everyone you know a crisp five-dollar bill.
  • Your college career center is a great resource for alumni contacts that haven’t been updated in eight years.
  • Dress appropriately. A single tie is fine for business casual networking events, but a minimum of three ties should be worn to formal interviews.
  • Asking, “So how did you get the job you have now?” is a great way to learn about some of the outdated, unhelpful ways people used to get jobs 15 years ago.
  • Have you bought a nice button-down shirt, Geoffrey? You really ought to own a nice button-down shirt. Tell yourself this is your one shirt you won’t get wrinkly, because they’ll notice if it’s wrinkly. Make sure you button it up to the top, too. You don’t want to make it all the way to the interview and then not look good. It’s just common sense.
  • The keys to success at any networking event are eye contact, a firm handshake, and five to 10 years of work experience that perfectly align with what your prospective employer is looking for.
  • No matter how insincere you are, try the best you can to hide the fact that you’re only talking to someone because you want to use them.