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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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New Anti-Terrorism Strategy

The White House recently released an updated version of its anti-terrorism strategy, "National Strategy For Combating Terrorism." Here are its main new components:

  • Setting up decoy "pro-terrorism centers" around nation to capture terrorists
  • Staging, foiling series of attacks
  • Ignoring terrorists so they get frustrated and go away
  • Introducing new slogan: "If you see, hear, feel, smell, or taste something, say something"
  • Holding all Americans until they feel safe again
  • Increasing national wait times
  • Allocating $1.2 trillion for development of terror-seeking missiles
  • Stopping terrorism for real this time

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