New Anti-Terrorism Strategy

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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New Anti-Terrorism Strategy

The White House recently released an updated version of its anti-terrorism strategy, "National Strategy For Combating Terrorism." Here are its main new components:

  • Setting up decoy "pro-terrorism centers" around nation to capture terrorists
  • Staging, foiling series of attacks
  • Ignoring terrorists so they get frustrated and go away
  • Introducing new slogan: "If you see, hear, feel, smell, or taste something, say something"
  • Holding all Americans until they feel safe again
  • Increasing national wait times
  • Allocating $1.2 trillion for development of terror-seeking missiles
  • Stopping terrorism for real this time