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New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show

Opening next week in Detroit, the annual North American International Auto Show will once again introduce the world to a variety of new cars. Here are some of the models that will be showcased at this year’s expo:

  • Lincoln Town Car: Trunk comes already loaded with dead snitch
  • Toyota Prius Breeze: Toyota’s next generation Prius features a 120-foot-tall roof-mounted turbine to help power its hybrid gas-wind engine
  • Nissan Quest: There are all kinds of ways we could try to spin this, but let’s level with each other: It’s a minivan
  • Ford Masoch bondage car: Comes with full leather interiors and exteriors, multiple studded seat belts, driving mask, and child safety locks on all four doors
  • Honda Accord: Includes a new voice-activated response system that assures the driver he or she made a reasonable choice at a decent price
  • Buick Charity: Comes with NPR car donation form in glove compartment
  • Toyota Highlander: New model will hunt down every other Toyota Highlander
  • Chrysler Duchamp conceptual concept car: 2 feet of PVC pipe with the word “Sedan” written on it placed atop a white display pedestal

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