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New Congressional Policies

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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New Congressional Policies

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has eliminated smoking in the Capitol Building. Here are some other changes the Democrats have enacted on Capitol Hill:

All representatives fitted with uniforms to improve morale, promote discipline

Casual-Abortion Fridays

Congressional spittoon moved to Rep. Howard Coble's (R–NC) office

Installation of huge dry-erase "idea boards"around the Rotunda

Issues not resolved within first 100 hours will no longer exist

Carte blanche switched from oil companies to welfare recipients

Reinstatement of checks and balances

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