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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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New Congressional Policies

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has eliminated smoking in the Capitol Building. Here are some other changes the Democrats have enacted on Capitol Hill:

All representatives fitted with uniforms to improve morale, promote discipline

Casual-Abortion Fridays

Congressional spittoon moved to Rep. Howard Coble's (R–NC) office

Installation of huge dry-erase "idea boards"around the Rotunda

Issues not resolved within first 100 hours will no longer exist

Carte blanche switched from oil companies to welfare recipients

Reinstatement of checks and balances

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