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New Dr Pepper Drink Aimed At Men

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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New Dr Pepper Drink Aimed At Men

Dr Pepper Ten, a new diet soda from the Dr Pepper Snapple Group, is being marketed to men with the slogan "It's not for women." Here are some of the other ways the company is portraying the beverage's masculinity:

  • Pull-out supplement in Men's Health with instructions on how to use the bottle to massage the prostate
  • For first time, revealing Dr Pepper's first name, which happens to be Mark
  • Dr Pepper–sponsored legislation could punish women caught imbibing the beverage with stiff monetary penalties or up to two years in prison
  • Removing estrogen from Dr Pepper's original formulation of 23 flavors
  • 24-packs come equipped with heavy-duty twine for securing the case to the hood or roof of a man's automobile
  • Layer of body hair covering the majority of the can
  • Bow-hunting tip under the cap of every bottle
  • Promo in national restaurant chain offering free serving of Dr Pepper Ten every time you sexually harass a waitress
  • Maybe an ad featuring a picture of a guy holding a football

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