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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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New Dr Pepper Drink Aimed At Men

Dr Pepper Ten, a new diet soda from the Dr Pepper Snapple Group, is being marketed to men with the slogan "It's not for women." Here are some of the other ways the company is portraying the beverage's masculinity:

  • Pull-out supplement in Men's Health with instructions on how to use the bottle to massage the prostate
  • For first time, revealing Dr Pepper's first name, which happens to be Mark
  • Dr Pepper–sponsored legislation could punish women caught imbibing the beverage with stiff monetary penalties or up to two years in prison
  • Removing estrogen from Dr Pepper's original formulation of 23 flavors
  • 24-packs come equipped with heavy-duty twine for securing the case to the hood or roof of a man's automobile
  • Layer of body hair covering the majority of the can
  • Bow-hunting tip under the cap of every bottle
  • Promo in national restaurant chain offering free serving of Dr Pepper Ten every time you sexually harass a waitress
  • Maybe an ad featuring a picture of a guy holding a football

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