ARIES: Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
|Following the untimely death of esteemed broadcast journalist Tim Russert, 23-year-old son Luke Russert was tapped by the NBC political team to fill at least some small part of the giant head-space left by his father's absence.|
|Lucy the Dog captured hearts across the nation by adopting a litter of abandoned kittens and bumping a story about a Pakistani suicide bombing off the Yahoo! home page.|
|Samantha Ronson entered the public consciousness when the DJ single-handedly prevented Lindsay Lohan from receiving bad press or getting into trouble, keeping the actress's head safely inside her vagina for the year.|
|Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody is here to stay, and you have no one to blame but yourselves.|
|Robert Pattinson's jaw became an overnight sensation after appearing in the film Twilight, where it spoke, masticated, and brooded.|
|Thomas Beatie, the so-called "pregnant man," shocked the world this year with his incredibly feminine-looking face, vagina, and uterus.|
|America fell in love with celebrity impersonator Frank Caliendo or whatever his name is and the show they saw advertised about 150,000 fucking times, but never actually saw, if it ever even came out. Did it?|