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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New Faces In The News

Following the untimely death of esteemed broadcast journalist Tim Russert, 23-year-old son Luke Russert was tapped by the NBC political team to fill at least some small part of the giant head-space left by his father's absence.
Lucy the Dog captured hearts across the nation by adopting a litter of abandoned kittens and bumping a story about a Pakistani suicide bombing off the Yahoo! home page.
Samantha Ronson entered the public consciousness when the DJ single-handedly prevented Lindsay Lohan from receiving bad press or getting into trouble, keeping the actress's head safely inside her vagina for the year.
Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody is here to stay, and you have no one to blame but yourselves.
Robert Pattinson's jaw became an overnight sensation after appearing in the film Twilight, where it spoke, masticated, and brooded.
Thomas Beatie, the so-called "pregnant man," shocked the world this year with his incredibly feminine-looking face, vagina, and uterus.
America fell in love with celebrity impersonator Frank Caliendo or whatever his name is and the show they saw advertised about 150,000 fucking times, but never actually saw, if it ever even came out. Did it?

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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