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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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New Features in Madden '08

The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right. Onion Sports lists everything players can get excited about in '08, not counting roster changes:

Stupid HB Option play that would never work in real life but somehow works every goddamn time your friend Jacob does it

"Regular Life Mode," where you play in real time as a regular person living a fairly ordinary existence who occasionally gets to watch a football game

Improved cover jinx will force Vince Young to wander the Earth for all time, unable to rest, in an eternal search for a single honest man

"Raise An Athlete Mode," where you act as a parent and must love and nurture your child's talent for 20 years; fatal injuries can be switched off

1,028 new fumble animations, one of which can be seen on every third play

Changed all the damn button controls around yet again so you have to relearn everything for the fourth time in five years

"Union President Mode" lets player withhold pensions from ex-players

When sacked for a loss of more than seven yards while playing the Wii version, television falls on you

New "Bust Mode" allows you to wash out after three disappointing seasons, start a new life as a car salesman or high school coach, and be interviewed about it by Jeremy Schaap

At some point in every Bears game, Jim Belushi shows up for an interview

"Actually Have Fun While Playing Mode," where all of the bullshit features created in the past five years are switched off so you can actually have fun while playing

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