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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New Features in Madden '08

The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right. Onion Sports lists everything players can get excited about in '08, not counting roster changes:

Stupid HB Option play that would never work in real life but somehow works every goddamn time your friend Jacob does it

"Regular Life Mode," where you play in real time as a regular person living a fairly ordinary existence who occasionally gets to watch a football game

Improved cover jinx will force Vince Young to wander the Earth for all time, unable to rest, in an eternal search for a single honest man

"Raise An Athlete Mode," where you act as a parent and must love and nurture your child's talent for 20 years; fatal injuries can be switched off

1,028 new fumble animations, one of which can be seen on every third play

Changed all the damn button controls around yet again so you have to relearn everything for the fourth time in five years

"Union President Mode" lets player withhold pensions from ex-players

When sacked for a loss of more than seven yards while playing the Wii version, television falls on you

New "Bust Mode" allows you to wash out after three disappointing seasons, start a new life as a car salesman or high school coach, and be interviewed about it by Jeremy Schaap

At some point in every Bears game, Jim Belushi shows up for an interview

"Actually Have Fun While Playing Mode," where all of the bullshit features created in the past five years are switched off so you can actually have fun while playing

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