New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

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Vol 49 Issue 38

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

Claiming that the Catholic Church had become “obsessed” with “small-minded rules” on social issues, such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality, Pope Francis said the Church should be more inclusive and focus on spreading me...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Holiday

New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

The latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto video game series launches Tuesday. Here are a few of the new features gamers can look forward to:

  • 15-hour opening cinematic scene
  • Character now sometimes steps in gum
  • Users can unlock one free episode of the 1960’s action-comedy Car Robbers! on which the franchise is based
  • Gamers can dress characters up in any outfits they want, much as a 5-year-old girl would with her doll
  • Solid Thai restaurants
  • Online multiplayer mode where up to 16 players can hold hands
  • Free admission to botanical gardens while playing during hours of 11 a.m and 4 p.m. on Sundays
  • Like previous installments, gameplay immerses players in alternate reality where their lives are rich and meaningful
  • All three protagonists inexplicably named Gideon
  • Ability to lick everything
  • After you finish playing it for the first time, you will become known by friends and coworkers as a very cool guy, and everyone will want to talk to you about your fascinating exploits in the game
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