adBlockCheck

New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

The latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto video game series launches Tuesday. Here are a few of the new features gamers can look forward to:

  • 15-hour opening cinematic scene
  • Character now sometimes steps in gum
  • Users can unlock one free episode of the 1960’s action-comedy Car Robbers! on which the franchise is based
  • Gamers can dress characters up in any outfits they want, much as a 5-year-old girl would with her doll
  • Solid Thai restaurants
  • Online multiplayer mode where up to 16 players can hold hands
  • Free admission to botanical gardens while playing during hours of 11 a.m and 4 p.m. on Sundays
  • Like previous installments, gameplay immerses players in alternate reality where their lives are rich and meaningful
  • All three protagonists inexplicably named Gideon
  • Ability to lick everything
  • After you finish playing it for the first time, you will become known by friends and coworkers as a very cool guy, and everyone will want to talk to you about your fascinating exploits in the game

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close